Hello

Most people hear Adele's "Hello" song and think it is about reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend.  I really think it is about herself and rediscovering who is she is again.  

This song brings many emotions to me in this season of my life.  Many of you have been amazing support and been following my infertility journey.  As you know, the past several years have been dedicated to finding a solution for an answer to my prayers.  Every part of me has been focused to research, daily to weekly doctor appointments, alarms on my phones 3-4 times/day to take meds/shots, and doing everything possible to make it work.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually I became spent (I guess I should add financially too!).  

And it had to stop.  The obsession was destroying me and I am now in a season of finding myself again.  

October is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month, which means the support network I have built up has flooded my Facebook newsfeed with blogs and facts, etc.  This time last year I was also pregnant with my 2nd ectopic baby, which makes the"On This Day" something I want to avoid.  Now that I have not been focused on my infertility journey it has become so apparent how much of my life was obsessed with this. Not saying I don't want to be a part of this amazing community, because I do! I more than anything want to always be involved.  But..... I need to find me again. 

I share this blog for 2 reasons--- 1) I wanted to respond to the requests for an update and 2) to call out that anything good or bad can become unhealthy and shouldn't consume our lives.  

Some of you might not agree with my decision to be "selfish" and might not understand my journey. Heck, I don't even always understand!  Many of my friends have seen me withdraw from them because I simply can't be around babies or pregnancies right now and I am hoping they are not upset with me.  

As Adele put's it--  "I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet" and currently rediscovering it.  

How Much to Share?

The last blog I wrote on here was when I was pregnant, which is why I feel called to provide an update.  The purpose of this blog is to document my journey and it is only fitting to share about my loss. Most of you did not know I blogged a couple of entries while I was in my last pregnancy journey, so feel free to catch up!

I keep going back and forth in my mind with how much information I should share on social media/blogging.  Every time I decide to keep things private and that people are probably sick of hearing my story, I see how much other people's blogs benefit me.  Sooooo.... I decided that even if my blog benefits ONE person, than I will do it. 

If I could say one thing that most people struggling with infertility want you to know, is that we deal with our pain/fears/depression EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Multiple times a day. We figure out how far along we should be at this point in our pregnancy (that was lost) or how old our eldest child should be at this point.  It is something that takes over your life and can easily consume your identity. 

I have realized that there is a battle I fight every day to reclaim my identity and be grateful for living my life.  I don't want to look back in a year or more and realize how much of my life was wasted.  I already feel like the past year has been consumed with four different surgeries and recovery times, waiting to see if I am pregnant in a two week wait, or focused on injecting my medication at the same time every day. I have had three miscarriages and lost more than ten other embryos before they had a chance to transfer into my body. I probably have had more than 100 doctor visits this last year at least. 

The previous miscarriage was the hardest of them all as my pregnancy was looking great and I felt confident in it.  It has taken quite a bit out of me to recover from it. I will be honest that I spent way too many days in bed physically and mentally bound by the grief.  However, I have more days that I am able to get up and face the day now.  I want to fully recover before trying again. We also still have an envelope containing the gender of our miscarriage and need to figure out if we are able to open it and process that.  

Most of you are probably wondering how I even got pregnant or how it is possible to try again if my IVF failed?  I hope one day to share that side of the story with you, but since God has not revealed how private to keep those details, we will not be sharing them with you.  All I can say is that the Lord offered a different path than I ever thought was possible. He has brought wonderful people into our lives that I feel have become family. Such a blessing!!!

We WILL be trying again and will not give up on having a family.  However, I will give up on wasting my life away in the waiting.

One other comment--- please please please do not ask someone struggling with infertility if they are going to adopt or will use a surrogate. That is ignoring the battle they are facing and is something that should only be brought up by the person themselves. Adoption and surrogacy are both extremely expensive (around $45k) and are super difficult to deal with themselves.  

Faithful.... Good.. AMEN!

So I am not sure when I will open this post as public... but I HAD to document this day as I am ecstatic.

Today is Friday.

On Tuesday morning I totally caved and took a pregnancy test.  At first it was white and I was getting really sad.  But then... I saw a squinter!! If you are not familiar with pregnancy tests, ANY second line is positive even it is faint.  So I knew the embryo had implanted and my body was doing something!  I was soo happy that I didn't want to leave the test and hung out with it eating breakfast, getting dressed, just staring at it!  There were fears that hit me later that afternoon that it might be a chemical pregnancy (which just means an early miscarriage because the levels (or baby) never get high enough).  I was trying so hard to manage expectations.





Then on Wednesday night I could not wait ANY longer and tried another test. I was ECSTATIC to see that the second line had become significantly darker, which means the baby is growing! Yippeee!!!! I told myself I wouldn't test again until my blood test Friday as I didn't want to freak myself out.

So then today... I knew I had to go get some bloodwork done for the Doctor to measure the HCG (or pregnancy hormone) to make sure to see #1 if I was pregnant and #2 if the number was high enough for it to be viable.  I had a horrible migraine (thanks to the hormones) all morning long so that helped pass the time as I tried to drink water and sleep.

Then around 2pm today I spoke with the Doctor and he said CONGRATULATIONS! Your HCG is 139!!!!!! 139 was so much higher than my expectations. I was thinking it might be like 65 or something so I was stoked that it was over 100.  The number probably means nothing to you and I am not going to bore you with the details.  Just know I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! YAY.

So many grateful and excited feelings right now. Of course I know it is still early and so much can still happen. But I choose to trust God.  I believe He is in control and His plan is Good.

Keep the prayers coming!!!!!  THANK YOU JESUS!

I Said Peace? Are You Sure?

The past several days (let's just say 6 days since) have been full of the same questions about every five minutes.  Well unless I am sleeping. But otherwise I am fully consumed with... "Did it work?" then "I don't think so"... "but maybe it did!"... driving myself insane!!!

I probably won't have a real answer until Friday, which is about 4 days from now. I might go crazy.  

I have no idea if I am supposed to be strong in believing that God will fulfill the desires of my heart or if I am supposed to prepare myself for the option of things not working.  That is probably why I go back and forth, back and forth, all day long.

I have gained a TON of weight throughout this process.  Not only have I been on bed rest so I have been the laziest sloth, but I have been trying to distract myself by eating.  Or my anxiety makes me eat.  All of the above.  And then on top of everything my body is super bloated from the meds. 

If this doesn't work, I don't know how soon I can go through all of this again.  But I can't even let my mind go there.

This must be a test to see how people respond to times like this... why else would God make us patiently wait to find out results? UGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Can you sense my impatience and frustration?

Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.  

Peace

Sometimes I feel God's peace and really feel like it is too good to be true.  Under normal circumstances I would be going crazy every second wondering what is going on.  However, God really blessed me this past week.  I had to be in SoCal for 6 days and was gifted with a free place to stay right by Newport Beach and Balboa.  I forgot how good it felt to be next to the ocean even on a chilly day.  

What was really cool was the time to spend with my mom.  Dusty could not come as he started a new job, which I thought I would be really upset with.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly and would love to spend the time with him.  But it was so nice to have some special time with my mom.  It was neat hearing about her teenage memories hanging by the beach and to just enjoy down time.  We went on long walks on the beach, went out to eat (probably too much!), watched movies on my laptop when it was raining outside, and napped :) 

The first night we arrived and were walking on Newport pier, I remember looking at the city lights and just feeling God's story all come to make sense right where I was standing.  Like I was supposed to be there and it was all falling into God's plan.  I don't want to get my hopes up at all, but I swear the Lord's fingerprints were ALL over the week and my current situation.  

So now I am home... and I wait...

I know I have to be prepared for things to not go according to my plan, but I am choosing at this moment to believe in God to be Good and Trust that he can make this all work for His plans.  

There are so many things I wish I could share, but at the same time, even if I did... you probably would not understand.  One thing I learned this past week is that I really need to rely on God to provide direction in my life as I often too much wanted others opinion/counsel to guide my direction as well.  However, so many people have NO clue about the shoes I am walking in right now and that is okay.  

God is guiding Dusty and Me, which is all we need!

Choosing Joy

Can I just say how excited I am about what this last weekend has held for Dusty and I?  I mean seriously... what better way to end National Infertility Awareness Week then attend an infertility/adoption conference with amazing speakers and people.  

Let me just start off with this... I have been SUPER honest and blunt with everything on this blog to date, but at this point Dusty and I are going to be on the more private side with some of the choices we are making and the specifics related to our journey.  So there is SOOOO much more to the story this weekend than I am going to share on here, but maybe one day I can tell :)  ----Just know that God spoke to Dusty and confirmed the path we should be on!

The Choose Joy event started on Friday night with a welcome speaker and dinner. There was also an evening activity of cutting shoes for Sole Hope while the men had a men's only session, but after the LONG day Dusty and I had been through we just couldn't make it all the way through.  Automatically when walking into the room, there were colors everywhere! The organizer, Emmy, did a fantastic job with decorating and making it feel like a place you wanted to be and welcomed. As soon as Emmy introduced herself, I knew the weekend would be full of laughter, tears, understanding, guidance, and so much more.  It would be a place where you could cry because of something someone else said and all knew how you were feeling. The amount of people in the room amazed me, especially with the amount of men. 

Dusty and I realized that with everyone we met, I would always ask their name, where they were from (because people came from all over the country), how did they find out about Choose Joy, and what there story was.  How crazy was it that not one single person hesitated to share their deep wounds of infertility, loss, and hardship.  It was a vulnerable place where you could be understood and hugged and loved on.  There were people that had never been pregnant, had miscarriages, had stillborn deaths, or even had adopted children that were taken away 20 days later.  The loss was significant.  BUT, let me tell you.... you could feel, see, taste, hear how the Holy Spirit was moving in each and every person.  

Saturday started off with worship in the morning, 4 break out sessions that were too hard to choose from, and ended with dinner and a keynote speaker.  I have been to a million conferences, but with this one I didn't want it to end.  I was soaking everything up.  This was the 3rd year of this event and you could see the deep relationships built from people meeting one another in the years past. I want that... I want to continue and bring depth to the relationships started this weekend.  I don't want it to end... (by the way, I am already dying to attend Choose Joy 2016 haha)

During our 6 hour car drive home today, Dusty and I spent pretty much the entire time talking about everything we learned and how we feel called to this ministry.  We want to jump head first in it!  We have no idea how... but all we know is we are saying "yes" to God in whatever way it be. 

Infertility is THE HARDEST battle I have EVER faced... seriously it has been AWFUL... I wouldn't place it on my own worst enemy.  But let me share this, the way it has deepened my walk with Jesus Christ and created a form of intimacy with my husband is something I would not change.  I have found the true joy in the battle. I thank Jesus.  Our Lord is SO REAL YOU GUYS! I am not lying.. I am not under some weird influence... I promise... he is REAL! 

I am not sure when I will update this again as like I said, Dusty and I are continuing our journey of finding our baby(s). Keep us in your prayers whenever you remember as we will need it. Spiritual warfare is a real thing too, so we know we are in a battle, but thankfully God has already won, haha! 

For anyone interested, please think of either helping in future fundraising or even attending next year's event!!! 
http://choosejoy2015.blogspot.com/p/schedule-for-choose-joy-conference.html

50/50

If you were to look at my browsing history or the devotionals I am following, you would see information related to finding God's will and free will.  While I am thankful for free will, sometimes I wish God would put BRIGHT and flashing signs in front of me.... several times... to tell me which way to go.

After my IVF cycle failed, I have been questioning God about what to do.  I guess the good thing is that I have choices, but the hard part is moving forward and not having any doubts about the path I have chosen.  Here are three different viewpoints I have encountered in my research about the freewill and following God's Will:
1) God will let us make our own decisions and will not stop us
2) We can make our own decisions, but God can help guide your path by opening/closing doors
3) It does not even matter which direction you go... as long as your heart is pursuing His

What do you think?

Dusty and I have been pursuing the Lord with all of our heart to find out what He is calling us to do.  A week or so ago we made the decision to go down one part of the path and really believed that the Lord had placed this blessing on our hearts.  Today we received a call from the doctor saying if we go down another path that we could have an outcome with a 50/50 chance at success.  Now the question is... is this a temptation guiding us off course?

Man, I wish I could describe the fear of trying to make a decision when I don't even know if I have it in me to try something again with only a 50/50 chance.  I am exhausted, spent, done, finished....

At the end of the day, it is not about exhausting every medical option available, but about what the Lord has chosen for Dusty and I to accomplish in this world.  To me, only God can answer this question and make it clear.  Please pray that the Lord continually guides us down the right path.

At the end of the day, this is between Dusty and I with the Lord.  But, we would LOVE your continued prayers!!!!!!!!!!!

Unexpected

Many of you heard the difficult news Dusty and I received last week.  I thought I would provide a blog update to provide details and to document our journey.

Last Tuesday was supposed to be the day they transferred 1 or 2 embryos into my uterus.  It was supposed to be a day of celebration and excitement.  We were going to only have to wait 9 days to know if we were pregnant or not.  SO CLOSE.  I could almost taste it in my mouth.

Well here is how the day actually went---
Around 7 am that morning, Dusty and I were spending time in prayer and actually thanking the Lord for the opportunity to grow personally and in our marriage through everything.  We had peace knowing that the Lord was working and trusted Him.  Looking back I still wrestle with frustration on why God didn't intervene then or give us a warning... but I know He is Good and must have some good reasons.

I even had a call with my doctor the night before who was very optimistic that we would have two healthy blastocysts (5 day old embryos) that would be ready for transfer at noon.  I had my valium prescription and full bladder all ready to go and was super excited.  

Then at 8 am we received a shocking phone call with news that our 6 embryos (2 had died since Friday) stopped growing last Sunday and there were none left to transfer.  The Science Center was shocked and had no clue what happened.

I seriously wanted to drop the phone and not believe it.  The feeling of complete helplessness was overwhelming.  Immediately I wanted to find out "what I could do to fix it" or there HAS to be something that could make it all okay. Then the meltdown came.  Couldn't catch my breath, sobbing, rocking back and forth.  Then the strength and frustration came.... I put on my running shoes and ran as hard and long as I could while feeling my lungs burn.  I have not been allowed to work out at all for the past month, so for me to run 5 miles out the door just about killed me.  I needed to run so hard that I couldn't even scream at God or have the energy to cry.

Then when I got home from my run, Dusty had to talk me off the ledge of spending $2,000 on a ONE day trip to the Ritz Carlton in Maui.  I was desperate to escape and hide from the pain.  We compromised and decided we would leave the following morning for some wine tasting in Temecula.  As we had to be in San Diego on Friday for a wedding.

Later that afternoon the doctor informed us that he wanted to have genetic testing done on Dusty and me to determine if there was a chromosomal issue.  If this is the case, we could never have biological children.  I am really hoping it was a "luck of the numbers" thing, but there is a real possibility we would have to go on to embryo adoption. I will save that whole conversation for another day.

For now, God has protected our hearts and provided us a way to escape the grief.  I am afraid it is lurking behind the corner, but for now... one day at a time.  We had a great time in Temecula and San Diego and I am so thankful to have such an amazing man by my side.

Fertilization!

Dusty and I can officially share that we have 8 embryos growing :)  They actually already received their first report card from the doctor that had a smiley face on it.  At least that is what the doctor said on our phone call update this morning.

Yesterday I went under anesthesia for Egg Retrieval.  This was the 3rd time I have been under anesthesia in less than a year, so I am pretty much an expert now. Going into ER we had no clue how many mature eggs we would get out of 18 follicles, but found out after surgery that they retrieved 12 eggs!

This morning we received the call that out of 12 eggs, 9 were mature and 8 ended up being fertilized.  After the eggs were retrieved yesterday and Dusty provided his "deposit", the embryologist cleaned and injected each of the eggs with the sperm and then left them overnight in a petri dish.  This morning is when they looked to see how many fertilized.

Our next report is on Sunday morning to see how many embryos are growing and will be able to reach the "blastocyst" stage. Usually not all of them reach that stage as some start dying.  Man God is TOTALLY TESTING OUR PATIENCE!  The doctor did state there might be a tiny chance they will have to freeze my embryos and transfer at a later cycle, but I won't get into that as I am PRAYING we can have a fresh transfer on Tuesday.

While I am very excited to be done with daily blood work, ultrasounds, and injections... I have now moved on to the suppository stage, which I will spare you the gory details.  I am hoping the bloating will start going down from all of my follies growing as Dusty agreed I looked very preggo just from the bloat.

So, the next stages are *hopefully* have a transfer of an embryo on Tuesday and then waiting to see if it magically implants!  I would have to wait about a week to see if everything was successful and we can have a little baby growing.  Man that is so hard not to get excited and too hopeful.  It has been hard trying to understand if I should just have faith and be positive or keep my expectations normal and wait.  Sometimes I don't have a choice as I try to balance my emotions.

Slooooooowly But Surely

Sonogram and bloodwork round #3 done. Yippee. 

My body was and still is slow to respond to the meds and grow, but they are responding.  The last blog I had shared was after my first sonogram which showed the average follicle around 5 mm (which was on Sunday 5 days ago).  The second sonogram on Wednesday showed an average follicle of 7 mm.  This last sonogram (today/Friday) was an average of 10 mm.  I should probably be around 15 mm as my average at this point :(.... but I will get there! I have faith.

That was probably all greek to you, but what it all comes down to is that I will need to do more days of injections than the average person to get my follicles up to the size they should be, which is at least 18-20 mm.  

You might be wondering why I even bothered typing that all out, but I am blogging for my own memory too :)  Yes, there are selfish reasons for this too! 

So I go back for another ultrasound/bloodwork on Sunday morning and then will have DAILY check in's until they tell me tell me I am ready for my trigger shot!  The trigger shot will be done once my follies are ready to be boosted about 36 hours before Egg Retrieval.  

By the way, I forgot to mention if you see me in yoga pants daily from now on, it is because these meds are NOT nice with the bloat.  Even though my follies aren't big yet, I think my body is pretty pissed off.  I have bruises on my tummy and on my arms/hands from either the injections or blood work.  I even get to add ONE MORE DRUG tonight called Ganirelex.  Is it bad that I don't even know what I am putting in my body?? Actually I just looked it up and it is supposed to avoid the eggs from dropping/ovulating until they keep maturing and are ready for retrieval.

This is probably too much detailed and you probably haven't even read until this point.  

I have already had to overnight from the east coast 2 shipments of additional meds and will need more.  This is getting ridiculously expensive and if this first round does not work, I won't be able to afford another round.

Oh, and I found out that adoption will cost me around $45k.... so anytime someone thinks they are helping by bringing up the possibility of adoption, please know how much more stressful that is.  And it doesn't help.

I am still in a good mood and praising God daily.  I am so thankful that He has provided science for Dusty and I to take advantage of!

Number 13 (That number seems to come up a lot)

There are so many things that have occurred this last week that all I can say is... wow.  It has been very interesting to say the least.  God has been moving and speaking... I am trying to listen and understand it all.  I wish I could explain it all to you, but this is one of those things you have to experience for yourself to really understand.  

What is really interesting is today is the due date for my first ectopic and I only feel God's strength, no sadness. Very thankful for His love and guidance.

Anyways, back to the journey.  Last Wednesday was day 1 of my injections to stimulate my ovaries.  I had planned on giving them to myself, but after mixing and preparing them, I realized I was too nervous and needed Dusty to do it! So after icing my tummy, Dusty did a great job at completing the task.  The only thing that I hate is how one of them (Menopur) BURNS going in.  Ouch!! They make me sleepy so I fall asleep around 8:30 every night, haha. 

After several days of injections, I have bruises on my abdomen, am super thirsty, get headaches, and am soooo tired.  Dusty and I went on a hike on Saturday and I seriously thought I was going to pass out so we turned around without finishing it. Sorry, babe!  I miss working out, but at least I can go on walks.  

Yesterday we had our first check in appointment for a sonogram and blood work.  They counted 13 follicles growing, but mentioned they are a little smaller than the Center would like and need to increase the dosage.  So instead of 2 vials of one of the meds, I have to double it and do 4!  Yucky.  

My next check in appointment is on Wednesday to see if my follies (that is what I like to call them) are growing and back on schedule.  I have to call and rush more meds and hope they come in on time... so expensive and stressful.  

Here is the printout that the sonogram provided us:

Sunshine through the Rain

As I sit and look out the window seeing the rain pour outside, I feel the sunshine on my face (even though it is dark and gloomy).  

My last post was a dark one and I wanted to come back and share with you that I believe there are brighter days ahead and can even start feeling them.  I have not been the best Christian lately.  I am ashamed to say I have not been reading Scripture or even spending much time in prayer.  As I have withdrawn from people the last few weeks, I am afraid to say I haven't even let God in.  The worst place to be.

I know God is still RIGHT here next to me just waiting.  He knows that I am being stubborn trying to hold on, while I know it is really not in my hands and he is just waiting for me to admit I need Him.  

I feel His presence.  I feel His love... I see God in the birds flying outside.  I see his glory in the wind blowing the trees back and forth.  

You see, my problem with God is that I want to be God.  I want to be in control and I get angry when He isn't giving me what I want.  Frustration comes when people say to just draw closer to God... when I am hurt by the way I feel He has led my life.  Like I deserve something better.  That is pretty embarrassing to admit and I know I am wrong. 

Christians are still human and sin, which I need to give myself grace for.  The word of the day is humility.  I have to fall down on my knees (once again for the millionth time) and admit to the Lord that I need to let go and give it over...  the best part is that He is waiting with open arms and a HUGE smile on His face.  I love His Character.

I seriously have had this song on repeat today and the words speak beautifully to how I feel when I fall down on my knees to Christ.  

Plumb "Need You Now (How Many Times)"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgfkb35GJF8

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Depression

WARNING - this is a post just to use as an outlet for myself and is not meant to depress/bore others from reading!!!

This last week has been full of depression.  A battle.  
All I want to do is hide from the world and not see people living their lives naturally while I am in a holding pattern... 

I even took the day off work as I can't focus. 

There is no reason to be sad.... no reason to mourn....

But wait, the due date for my first ectopic pregnancy is right around the corner on February 16th.  In ten days I could be giving birth to a baby rather than spending tons of money and time injecting myself.  I see so many women getting ready to go into labor who had a positive pregnancy test when I did.  I thought we would all discover and ride the journey together.  Only to be left behind and hiding from their happiness.  

I am not even 100% sure that is what makes me so depressed.  I heard from fellow IVF cycle buddies (that is what you call another person that has the same time frame of their IVF plan as you) that this is completely normal.  Maybe the anxiety of knowing what you are about to endure causes this... 
My battle with infertility does have to be the HARDEST thing I have ever had to encounter in life. It has been harder then dealing with a drug addiction, overcoming a broken family, or many other personal items in my life that I will spare you all with.  

There have been many occasions this past week I have either cancelled last minute, left early, or had to go outside to secretly cry.  I can't explain why.... 

One moment I can be driving in the car and singing my heart out with the windows down and then the next be completely overtaken by tears and strong feelings of grief. No clue why! Out of nowhere.

I am afraid of losing friendships or having this damage my marriage.  Infertility and IVF tends to do that. It is surprising how some of my best friends haven't been there for me like I thought they would, while others that really don't know me too well have been great.  

I debated whether or not to type this all on my blog as it leaves me vulnerable.  But to be fair, I promised to be real on this journey.  I am not going to hold anything back even if it makes me look crazy or some other negative trait.  

Today is the last day of my birth control pills and I am so glad. TMI-------  It has made my boobs ENORMOUS and they feel like ripe grapefruits. OUCH!   

Tomorrow, is my baseline ultrasound to see how my ovaries and follicles are looking.  

One of my best friends this week has been this little girl by my side :)

IVF Education Class and More....

Dusty and I attended our 3 hour (took longer than the 2 hours scheduled) IVF education class a week ago.  I thought I was prepared for the IVF journey and difficult choices until we were looking down at papers we had to sign. Even thinking back to those consent forms makes me feel so overwhelmed that I push tears back.  Who knew we would have to decide what would happen to our unborn children in the event of one or both of our deaths, or divorce, or late payments on the frozen storage.  We had to decide if we wanted them to be given for research, destroyed, or donated to another family.  Really??

Another difficult question was if we wanted to have the Fertility Center perform ICSI (Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection), which is basically when they inject an egg with the sperm rather than allow science to naturally take place in a petri dish.  This was a hard choice.  I mean we want to improve our odds of conceiving, but how much science do we push rather than leave for God to work out?  Did he create this method to help us or are we taking matters into our own hands?  The odds of birth defects can be higher, but they say it's because of the higher risk patients unfairly affecting those percentages.  

One of the final decisions we had to make was if we wanted them to perform genetic testing on the embryos before they were frozen and transferred.  When you first hear this you think "yes, I want to know if there is something wrong with the babies and can know the gender!" But then you get this panic that you shouldn't be "messing" with God's plan again.  This one was a little easier for Dusty and I as like any other pregnancy, we would never abort a baby if doctors told us there was something wrong with it.  But then again, if you know an embryo has a higher chance of miscarriage than another and you are spending loads of money on this procedure, wouldn't you want to pick an embryo that has a higher chance?  See what I mean.... the questions bouncing back and forth can be endless.  

Most of you will never understand why this journey has been so difficult and you could even feel like I am overreacting, but you haven't been in my shoes.  I am TOTALLY assuming that could be a thought on people's minds.... I tend to get paranoid, lol.  So just a quick insight... the questions I just listed above CAN EXHAUST ME EVERY DAY.  I can't sleep at night feeling like I am going to make the wrong decision.  

Then that brings me to the meds portion.... as soon as the Nurse starting teaching us about the injections, I immediately starting taking notes rapidly. I was paranoid I was going to do something wrong and accidentally put air into my system or something. I start my injections around the second week of February, so I still have no clue what I will be doing.  I did receive some meds in the mail yesterday and already shared this pic on Facebook, but will share again (I noticed this pic looks very similar to the sample pic I had in my last post).

Some of my friends have asked me how they can be supportive during this time, while other times I just get plain discouraged and offended at the responses I get.  I understand that there is really nothing anyone can say to take care of this, unless that God told them His divine plan and promises this IVF treatment will bring a beautiful baby into Dusty's and my life.  Yes, I can be unrealistic with wanting the world to try to understand the hurt and fear... and general overwhelming anxiety that floods my daily life out of nowhere.  

I will be honest, most days I struggle with feelings of hopelessness.  You might say, "Michelle, you have IVF right in front of you so you should have your baby really soon!". However, with IVF my chances are still 40%. I walk around each day consumed by my situation, which then makes me feel alienated from the rest of the world. 

Here is a GREAT blog that shares all about being a good friend to an Infertile... I would love you to check it out as I TOTALLY relate:

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

I hate leaving you all long blogs, so try to keep it short.  Even though I could probably talk about a MILLION things!  Last but not least, I received my tentative schedule for IVF in February. Things always are dependent based on how my body responds, but it gives me something to plan on for now...

Endometrin, Follistim, Menopur, HUH?

Excitement is starting to creep in as February is around the corner.  February is when I get to start my IVF journey and I am so ready for it!  

Okay, I might not really know what I am in for yet as I am sure it won't really be fun.  Stressful, bloated, bruising myself, are probably other words I will be using to describe the process.

In a couple of days Dusty and I will go to our Center for a 2 hour IVF education class.  There is really that much to know about the IVF process I guess.  I am hoping that we can meet other couples in the class that we can kinda go through the journey with.  I also hope for friendships everywhere though and am not too realistic ;)

My case manager called me today to let me know some of my meds were ordered through a boutique pharmacy.  That is another interesting thing about this process.... I need to go through a "boutique" pharmacy? Weird.  Anyways, the list is pretty long and that is not even including the meds I will have to take orally and need to pick up from the local CVS pharmacy.  When I recently added a group on Facebook for IVF support, I was shocked when I saw the pictures for the amount of meds I will be taking.  Below is a picture of what I will be expecting:

Yes, my odds are about 40% of success with IVF, but I really cannot help being hopeful and excited.  How do I not let my hopes get up there??  So hard to manage.  

Keep Dusty and I in your prayers as we try to work out the finances (some of you might wonder what the cost is.... I will just say about $15k without meds), insurance, doctor visits squeezing in between work, STRESS and ANXIETY, and just having the Lord's divine intervention in this process. I know and trust that our Lord God can really create a baby for Dusty and me.  It is all up to us to hope and trust that He is in control and His will is perfect.

I will try to update you as I continue the journey.  I have to thank my mom for the friendly reminder for an updated post :)