Hello

Most people hear Adele's "Hello" song and think it is about reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend.  I really think it is about herself and rediscovering who is she is again.  

This song brings many emotions to me in this season of my life.  Many of you have been amazing support and been following my infertility journey.  As you know, the past several years have been dedicated to finding a solution for an answer to my prayers.  Every part of me has been focused to research, daily to weekly doctor appointments, alarms on my phones 3-4 times/day to take meds/shots, and doing everything possible to make it work.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually I became spent (I guess I should add financially too!).  

And it had to stop.  The obsession was destroying me and I am now in a season of finding myself again.  

October is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month, which means the support network I have built up has flooded my Facebook newsfeed with blogs and facts, etc.  This time last year I was also pregnant with my 2nd ectopic baby, which makes the"On This Day" something I want to avoid.  Now that I have not been focused on my infertility journey it has become so apparent how much of my life was obsessed with this. Not saying I don't want to be a part of this amazing community, because I do! I more than anything want to always be involved.  But..... I need to find me again. 

I share this blog for 2 reasons--- 1) I wanted to respond to the requests for an update and 2) to call out that anything good or bad can become unhealthy and shouldn't consume our lives.  

Some of you might not agree with my decision to be "selfish" and might not understand my journey. Heck, I don't even always understand!  Many of my friends have seen me withdraw from them because I simply can't be around babies or pregnancies right now and I am hoping they are not upset with me.  

As Adele put's it--  "I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet" and currently rediscovering it.  

How Much to Share?

The last blog I wrote on here was when I was pregnant, which is why I feel called to provide an update.  The purpose of this blog is to document my journey and it is only fitting to share about my loss. Most of you did not know I blogged a couple of entries while I was in my last pregnancy journey, so feel free to catch up!

I keep going back and forth in my mind with how much information I should share on social media/blogging.  Every time I decide to keep things private and that people are probably sick of hearing my story, I see how much other people's blogs benefit me.  Sooooo.... I decided that even if my blog benefits ONE person, than I will do it. 

If I could say one thing that most people struggling with infertility want you to know, is that we deal with our pain/fears/depression EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Multiple times a day. We figure out how far along we should be at this point in our pregnancy (that was lost) or how old our eldest child should be at this point.  It is something that takes over your life and can easily consume your identity. 

I have realized that there is a battle I fight every day to reclaim my identity and be grateful for living my life.  I don't want to look back in a year or more and realize how much of my life was wasted.  I already feel like the past year has been consumed with four different surgeries and recovery times, waiting to see if I am pregnant in a two week wait, or focused on injecting my medication at the same time every day. I have had three miscarriages and lost more than ten other embryos before they had a chance to transfer into my body. I probably have had more than 100 doctor visits this last year at least. 

The previous miscarriage was the hardest of them all as my pregnancy was looking great and I felt confident in it.  It has taken quite a bit out of me to recover from it. I will be honest that I spent way too many days in bed physically and mentally bound by the grief.  However, I have more days that I am able to get up and face the day now.  I want to fully recover before trying again. We also still have an envelope containing the gender of our miscarriage and need to figure out if we are able to open it and process that.  

Most of you are probably wondering how I even got pregnant or how it is possible to try again if my IVF failed?  I hope one day to share that side of the story with you, but since God has not revealed how private to keep those details, we will not be sharing them with you.  All I can say is that the Lord offered a different path than I ever thought was possible. He has brought wonderful people into our lives that I feel have become family. Such a blessing!!!

We WILL be trying again and will not give up on having a family.  However, I will give up on wasting my life away in the waiting.

One other comment--- please please please do not ask someone struggling with infertility if they are going to adopt or will use a surrogate. That is ignoring the battle they are facing and is something that should only be brought up by the person themselves. Adoption and surrogacy are both extremely expensive (around $45k) and are super difficult to deal with themselves.  

Faithful.... Good.. AMEN!

So I am not sure when I will open this post as public... but I HAD to document this day as I am ecstatic.

Today is Friday.

On Tuesday morning I totally caved and took a pregnancy test.  At first it was white and I was getting really sad.  But then... I saw a squinter!! If you are not familiar with pregnancy tests, ANY second line is positive even it is faint.  So I knew the embryo had implanted and my body was doing something!  I was soo happy that I didn't want to leave the test and hung out with it eating breakfast, getting dressed, just staring at it!  There were fears that hit me later that afternoon that it might be a chemical pregnancy (which just means an early miscarriage because the levels (or baby) never get high enough).  I was trying so hard to manage expectations.





Then on Wednesday night I could not wait ANY longer and tried another test. I was ECSTATIC to see that the second line had become significantly darker, which means the baby is growing! Yippeee!!!! I told myself I wouldn't test again until my blood test Friday as I didn't want to freak myself out.

So then today... I knew I had to go get some bloodwork done for the Doctor to measure the HCG (or pregnancy hormone) to make sure to see #1 if I was pregnant and #2 if the number was high enough for it to be viable.  I had a horrible migraine (thanks to the hormones) all morning long so that helped pass the time as I tried to drink water and sleep.

Then around 2pm today I spoke with the Doctor and he said CONGRATULATIONS! Your HCG is 139!!!!!! 139 was so much higher than my expectations. I was thinking it might be like 65 or something so I was stoked that it was over 100.  The number probably means nothing to you and I am not going to bore you with the details.  Just know I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! YAY.

So many grateful and excited feelings right now. Of course I know it is still early and so much can still happen. But I choose to trust God.  I believe He is in control and His plan is Good.

Keep the prayers coming!!!!!  THANK YOU JESUS!

I Said Peace? Are You Sure?

The past several days (let's just say 6 days since) have been full of the same questions about every five minutes.  Well unless I am sleeping. But otherwise I am fully consumed with... "Did it work?" then "I don't think so"... "but maybe it did!"... driving myself insane!!!

I probably won't have a real answer until Friday, which is about 4 days from now. I might go crazy.  

I have no idea if I am supposed to be strong in believing that God will fulfill the desires of my heart or if I am supposed to prepare myself for the option of things not working.  That is probably why I go back and forth, back and forth, all day long.

I have gained a TON of weight throughout this process.  Not only have I been on bed rest so I have been the laziest sloth, but I have been trying to distract myself by eating.  Or my anxiety makes me eat.  All of the above.  And then on top of everything my body is super bloated from the meds. 

If this doesn't work, I don't know how soon I can go through all of this again.  But I can't even let my mind go there.

This must be a test to see how people respond to times like this... why else would God make us patiently wait to find out results? UGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Can you sense my impatience and frustration?

Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.  

Peace

Sometimes I feel God's peace and really feel like it is too good to be true.  Under normal circumstances I would be going crazy every second wondering what is going on.  However, God really blessed me this past week.  I had to be in SoCal for 6 days and was gifted with a free place to stay right by Newport Beach and Balboa.  I forgot how good it felt to be next to the ocean even on a chilly day.  

What was really cool was the time to spend with my mom.  Dusty could not come as he started a new job, which I thought I would be really upset with.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly and would love to spend the time with him.  But it was so nice to have some special time with my mom.  It was neat hearing about her teenage memories hanging by the beach and to just enjoy down time.  We went on long walks on the beach, went out to eat (probably too much!), watched movies on my laptop when it was raining outside, and napped :) 

The first night we arrived and were walking on Newport pier, I remember looking at the city lights and just feeling God's story all come to make sense right where I was standing.  Like I was supposed to be there and it was all falling into God's plan.  I don't want to get my hopes up at all, but I swear the Lord's fingerprints were ALL over the week and my current situation.  

So now I am home... and I wait...

I know I have to be prepared for things to not go according to my plan, but I am choosing at this moment to believe in God to be Good and Trust that he can make this all work for His plans.  

There are so many things I wish I could share, but at the same time, even if I did... you probably would not understand.  One thing I learned this past week is that I really need to rely on God to provide direction in my life as I often too much wanted others opinion/counsel to guide my direction as well.  However, so many people have NO clue about the shoes I am walking in right now and that is okay.  

God is guiding Dusty and Me, which is all we need!

Choosing Joy

Can I just say how excited I am about what this last weekend has held for Dusty and I?  I mean seriously... what better way to end National Infertility Awareness Week then attend an infertility/adoption conference with amazing speakers and people.  

Let me just start off with this... I have been SUPER honest and blunt with everything on this blog to date, but at this point Dusty and I are going to be on the more private side with some of the choices we are making and the specifics related to our journey.  So there is SOOOO much more to the story this weekend than I am going to share on here, but maybe one day I can tell :)  ----Just know that God spoke to Dusty and confirmed the path we should be on!

The Choose Joy event started on Friday night with a welcome speaker and dinner. There was also an evening activity of cutting shoes for Sole Hope while the men had a men's only session, but after the LONG day Dusty and I had been through we just couldn't make it all the way through.  Automatically when walking into the room, there were colors everywhere! The organizer, Emmy, did a fantastic job with decorating and making it feel like a place you wanted to be and welcomed. As soon as Emmy introduced herself, I knew the weekend would be full of laughter, tears, understanding, guidance, and so much more.  It would be a place where you could cry because of something someone else said and all knew how you were feeling. The amount of people in the room amazed me, especially with the amount of men. 

Dusty and I realized that with everyone we met, I would always ask their name, where they were from (because people came from all over the country), how did they find out about Choose Joy, and what there story was.  How crazy was it that not one single person hesitated to share their deep wounds of infertility, loss, and hardship.  It was a vulnerable place where you could be understood and hugged and loved on.  There were people that had never been pregnant, had miscarriages, had stillborn deaths, or even had adopted children that were taken away 20 days later.  The loss was significant.  BUT, let me tell you.... you could feel, see, taste, hear how the Holy Spirit was moving in each and every person.  

Saturday started off with worship in the morning, 4 break out sessions that were too hard to choose from, and ended with dinner and a keynote speaker.  I have been to a million conferences, but with this one I didn't want it to end.  I was soaking everything up.  This was the 3rd year of this event and you could see the deep relationships built from people meeting one another in the years past. I want that... I want to continue and bring depth to the relationships started this weekend.  I don't want it to end... (by the way, I am already dying to attend Choose Joy 2016 haha)

During our 6 hour car drive home today, Dusty and I spent pretty much the entire time talking about everything we learned and how we feel called to this ministry.  We want to jump head first in it!  We have no idea how... but all we know is we are saying "yes" to God in whatever way it be. 

Infertility is THE HARDEST battle I have EVER faced... seriously it has been AWFUL... I wouldn't place it on my own worst enemy.  But let me share this, the way it has deepened my walk with Jesus Christ and created a form of intimacy with my husband is something I would not change.  I have found the true joy in the battle. I thank Jesus.  Our Lord is SO REAL YOU GUYS! I am not lying.. I am not under some weird influence... I promise... he is REAL! 

I am not sure when I will update this again as like I said, Dusty and I are continuing our journey of finding our baby(s). Keep us in your prayers whenever you remember as we will need it. Spiritual warfare is a real thing too, so we know we are in a battle, but thankfully God has already won, haha! 

For anyone interested, please think of either helping in future fundraising or even attending next year's event!!! 
http://choosejoy2015.blogspot.com/p/schedule-for-choose-joy-conference.html

50/50

If you were to look at my browsing history or the devotionals I am following, you would see information related to finding God's will and free will.  While I am thankful for free will, sometimes I wish God would put BRIGHT and flashing signs in front of me.... several times... to tell me which way to go.

After my IVF cycle failed, I have been questioning God about what to do.  I guess the good thing is that I have choices, but the hard part is moving forward and not having any doubts about the path I have chosen.  Here are three different viewpoints I have encountered in my research about the freewill and following God's Will:
1) God will let us make our own decisions and will not stop us
2) We can make our own decisions, but God can help guide your path by opening/closing doors
3) It does not even matter which direction you go... as long as your heart is pursuing His

What do you think?

Dusty and I have been pursuing the Lord with all of our heart to find out what He is calling us to do.  A week or so ago we made the decision to go down one part of the path and really believed that the Lord had placed this blessing on our hearts.  Today we received a call from the doctor saying if we go down another path that we could have an outcome with a 50/50 chance at success.  Now the question is... is this a temptation guiding us off course?

Man, I wish I could describe the fear of trying to make a decision when I don't even know if I have it in me to try something again with only a 50/50 chance.  I am exhausted, spent, done, finished....

At the end of the day, it is not about exhausting every medical option available, but about what the Lord has chosen for Dusty and I to accomplish in this world.  To me, only God can answer this question and make it clear.  Please pray that the Lord continually guides us down the right path.

At the end of the day, this is between Dusty and I with the Lord.  But, we would LOVE your continued prayers!!!!!!!!!!!