Faithful.... Good.. AMEN!

So I am not sure when I will open this post as public... but I HAD to document this day as I am ecstatic.

Today is Friday.

On Tuesday morning I totally caved and took a pregnancy test.  At first it was white and I was getting really sad.  But then... I saw a squinter!! If you are not familiar with pregnancy tests, ANY second line is positive even it is faint.  So I knew the embryo had implanted and my body was doing something!  I was soo happy that I didn't want to leave the test and hung out with it eating breakfast, getting dressed, just staring at it!  There were fears that hit me later that afternoon that it might be a chemical pregnancy (which just means an early miscarriage because the levels (or baby) never get high enough).  I was trying so hard to manage expectations.





Then on Wednesday night I could not wait ANY longer and tried another test. I was ECSTATIC to see that the second line had become significantly darker, which means the baby is growing! Yippeee!!!! I told myself I wouldn't test again until my blood test Friday as I didn't want to freak myself out.

So then today... I knew I had to go get some bloodwork done for the Doctor to measure the HCG (or pregnancy hormone) to make sure to see #1 if I was pregnant and #2 if the number was high enough for it to be viable.  I had a horrible migraine (thanks to the hormones) all morning long so that helped pass the time as I tried to drink water and sleep.

Then around 2pm today I spoke with the Doctor and he said CONGRATULATIONS! Your HCG is 139!!!!!! 139 was so much higher than my expectations. I was thinking it might be like 65 or something so I was stoked that it was over 100.  The number probably means nothing to you and I am not going to bore you with the details.  Just know I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! YAY.

So many grateful and excited feelings right now. Of course I know it is still early and so much can still happen. But I choose to trust God.  I believe He is in control and His plan is Good.

Keep the prayers coming!!!!!  THANK YOU JESUS!

I Said Peace? Are You Sure?

The past several days (let's just say 6 days since) have been full of the same questions about every five minutes.  Well unless I am sleeping. But otherwise I am fully consumed with... "Did it work?" then "I don't think so"... "but maybe it did!"... driving myself insane!!!

I probably won't have a real answer until Friday, which is about 4 days from now. I might go crazy.  

I have no idea if I am supposed to be strong in believing that God will fulfill the desires of my heart or if I am supposed to prepare myself for the option of things not working.  That is probably why I go back and forth, back and forth, all day long.

I have gained a TON of weight throughout this process.  Not only have I been on bed rest so I have been the laziest sloth, but I have been trying to distract myself by eating.  Or my anxiety makes me eat.  All of the above.  And then on top of everything my body is super bloated from the meds. 

If this doesn't work, I don't know how soon I can go through all of this again.  But I can't even let my mind go there.

This must be a test to see how people respond to times like this... why else would God make us patiently wait to find out results? UGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Can you sense my impatience and frustration?

Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.  

Peace

Sometimes I feel God's peace and really feel like it is too good to be true.  Under normal circumstances I would be going crazy every second wondering what is going on.  However, God really blessed me this past week.  I had to be in SoCal for 6 days and was gifted with a free place to stay right by Newport Beach and Balboa.  I forgot how good it felt to be next to the ocean even on a chilly day.  

What was really cool was the time to spend with my mom.  Dusty could not come as he started a new job, which I thought I would be really upset with.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly and would love to spend the time with him.  But it was so nice to have some special time with my mom.  It was neat hearing about her teenage memories hanging by the beach and to just enjoy down time.  We went on long walks on the beach, went out to eat (probably too much!), watched movies on my laptop when it was raining outside, and napped :) 

The first night we arrived and were walking on Newport pier, I remember looking at the city lights and just feeling God's story all come to make sense right where I was standing.  Like I was supposed to be there and it was all falling into God's plan.  I don't want to get my hopes up at all, but I swear the Lord's fingerprints were ALL over the week and my current situation.  

So now I am home... and I wait...

I know I have to be prepared for things to not go according to my plan, but I am choosing at this moment to believe in God to be Good and Trust that he can make this all work for His plans.  

There are so many things I wish I could share, but at the same time, even if I did... you probably would not understand.  One thing I learned this past week is that I really need to rely on God to provide direction in my life as I often too much wanted others opinion/counsel to guide my direction as well.  However, so many people have NO clue about the shoes I am walking in right now and that is okay.  

God is guiding Dusty and Me, which is all we need!