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This week I have been preparing for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test that is supposed to take place on Friday afternoon.  The purpose of the test is to take x-rays while shooting dye through my fallopian tube to see if there are any blockages or if it is all clear. On Monday (yesterday), I had to go get bloodwork done to find out the latest numbers of my hormones and see if there is any new information to gain from it.  I asked the nurse that morning to include an HCG (pregnancy) test as I just wanted to rule out last cycle as an option for getting pregnant.  Yes, on Saturday morning I started my period and knew that the chances were only there for another ectopic.... but my instinct was to test.  

Sure enough, this afternoon (Tuesday) I got a voicemail from my fertility doctor stating that I had a low positive pregnancy test- 13 hcg.  In order to be pregnant you need a 5 hcg level, but it really should have been around 40 or 50 to be viable.  He took it as I could be miscarrying at first, but I know he is fearful for what I already believe to be true.... another ectopic pregnancy.  

You see, I have had the exact same situations occur this time as I did with my last ectopic.  I had horrible cramping (worse than normal period pains) as well as a really bad migraine on day 2.  I also started getting side aches and nausea in the morning, but blamed my prenatal vitamins for the symptoms.  

Anger..... frustration.... feeling too weak to go through this AGAIN.  Ugh.  I just can't.  I possibly can't physically, emotionally, or spiritually go through this again.  LORD, HELP ME! 

I have two prayers/options:
1- (this is my preference, in case I get a choice) that the Lord causes a miracle and moves the baby to my uterus and allows me to finally have a child.... I know He can.  I pray and beg for Him to bless our family.  Lord, hear my cry.

2- please let it be a miscarriage and not an ectopic.  Maybe we could be wrong and it could be a blighted ovum or something.

My plea is to not have to go through treatment again for an ectopic and further delay my trying to conceive.  I really want to move forward with IVF.... and if this happens, then I will have to delay it for 3-4 months or even more.  

I don't even know why I am typing this.  Could be an outlet, could be just to document my journey, or it could be my plea for prayer and support.  This is so hard and I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.  

I am not alone... Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

My family and friends think I am crazy with all of the different apps and blogs I follow related to fertility and trying to conceive.  A different emotion/feeling comes up everyday when I check one of my favorite apps, "period tracker".  Dusty loves to joke with me and call it "periodpanties.com". I have no clue why, but just typing this makes me smile.  I love how he accepts my craziness :)

Some days I see success stories and I am jealous, some days I see new members going through grief and my heart aches for them.  Today..... I see so many strong women coming together to recognize their loss and share their story.  It is a day not only to continue healing (note that I said continue as I don't think the pain will ever go away), but also join together and DO something about our loss.  Many women are releasing balloons or lighting candles at 7 pm today.  Dusty is out of town today so I am not quite sure what my plan is.  

As I read other's stories online, I can't help but relate to so much that I read. Just to copy some of the words:

"I didn't have a miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died"

"I think the main difference for me boils down to the extent of the physical trauma.  Not only do ectopic pregnancy sufferers have to deal with the loss of a tube, sometimes a part or all of their uterus, an overy, their blood and ultimately their life.  The damage can severely effect their future fertility (this decreases at least 30%... minimum) and that is if they intend to ever risk putting their bodies through this again because they will now have a 20% chance of it happening again."

Today like any other day, I try to think of what I have gained from this, other than the weight and scars.  I have gained awareness for something many people are not aware of or at least do not speak about.  

The First Day of the Rest of My Life... Kinda

Today was the day that I had my intro appointment with the Reproductive Science Center.  When my OBGYN first referred me to the clinic I was devastated as the name sounded really scary and I thought I was a freak for having to go to a "science center".  But then as I talked to some friends who had been there I became more open to going.  Then as my appointment approached I was really excited to hopefully get some answers.

So this morning I woke up and thought... I am going to find out what is wrong with me and have a plan to finally have my own child.  I was so excited.

When Dusty and I first sat down with the doctor to discuss my history and my recent labwork the situation soon turned nerve-wrecking to me.  He mentioned that some signs point to a low ovarian reserve as well as pre-menopausal. I had tears just waiting to come out and didn't want to let them flow in case the doctor became nervous about telling me anymore bad news.  After completing an ultrasound to check out my ovaries the doctor mentioned the situation looks better than the bloodwork showed, which was good.

So now I wait... I wait until I can go and take an HSG test to determine if there are any blockages or anything wrong with my fallopian tubes.

The conclusion I came to is that I have to still do everything one step at a time and have to be patient. Oh how badly I hate that word- patience.  How am I supposed to be patient if my eggs are limited and time is not on my side? How is this even coming up in my life at 29 years old???

I go back and forth with having faith that my family will come... today started as I day that I thought I saw writing on the wall that it will not happen.... but then now I feel like I can be aggressive with IVF or maybe the bloodwork was wrong.

This month is October, which is not only the national month for recognizing breast cancer, but is also for recognizing pregnancy loss.  This is the first time I have had to struggle with this and am not sure how to celebrate it.  I think I want to release a balloon in the air or something.. Or maybe get the smallest tattoo where no one would see. Oh wait... I already have scars from my surgery so I don't think I need to leave any other marks.  :)

My biggest fear of all is looking now like the crazy lady obsessed with trying to get pregnant, mourning the loss of my child, and being jealous of all my pregnant friends. Maybe I am all three of those things, but I find it hard to believe that others in my boat would not feel the same way.  There is nothing wrong with me and I have to accept that the Lord made me in His image... perfect and according to His Will.

As for the rest of my life... all I have to stand firm on is Christ's love and walking in His path one step at a time.