Today was the day that I had my intro appointment with the Reproductive Science Center. When my OBGYN first referred me to the clinic I was devastated as the name sounded really scary and I thought I was a freak for having to go to a "science center". But then as I talked to some friends who had been there I became more open to going. Then as my appointment approached I was really excited to hopefully get some answers.
So this morning I woke up and thought... I am going to find out what is wrong with me and have a plan to finally have my own child. I was so excited.
When Dusty and I first sat down with the doctor to discuss my history and my recent labwork the situation soon turned nerve-wrecking to me. He mentioned that some signs point to a low ovarian reserve as well as pre-menopausal. I had tears just waiting to come out and didn't want to let them flow in case the doctor became nervous about telling me anymore bad news. After completing an ultrasound to check out my ovaries the doctor mentioned the situation looks better than the bloodwork showed, which was good.
So now I wait... I wait until I can go and take an HSG test to determine if there are any blockages or anything wrong with my fallopian tubes.
The conclusion I came to is that I have to still do everything one step at a time and have to be patient. Oh how badly I hate that word- patience. How am I supposed to be patient if my eggs are limited and time is not on my side? How is this even coming up in my life at 29 years old???
I go back and forth with having faith that my family will come... today started as I day that I thought I saw writing on the wall that it will not happen.... but then now I feel like I can be aggressive with IVF or maybe the bloodwork was wrong.
This month is October, which is not only the national month for recognizing breast cancer, but is also for recognizing pregnancy loss. This is the first time I have had to struggle with this and am not sure how to celebrate it. I think I want to release a balloon in the air or something.. Or maybe get the smallest tattoo where no one would see. Oh wait... I already have scars from my surgery so I don't think I need to leave any other marks. :)
My biggest fear of all is looking now like the crazy lady obsessed with trying to get pregnant, mourning the loss of my child, and being jealous of all my pregnant friends. Maybe I am all three of those things, but I find it hard to believe that others in my boat would not feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with me and I have to accept that the Lord made me in His image... perfect and according to His Will.
As for the rest of my life... all I have to stand firm on is Christ's love and walking in His path one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment