Rainbows... they always come at the end of a storm, even if the cloud only let's out a sprinkle at times. Sometimes during the rain, but usually at the end of it, we often believe that there was a purpose for the storm and we will come out better because of it. This is a huge theme throughout my entire life. I have had storm after storm where I just think God must be really preparing me for something great in my life....
But I have found that I don't always get answers to everything. I always thought hindsight was 20/20, but sometimes God will not fill us in on what is going on. After all, who am I to question the Creator of the universe.... the God who breathes air into my lungs and has given me all that I need.
I guess with all of that said, I believe that God is calling me to start this blog. Some of you might not agree with my willingness to be open or believe that I should really not share such details with so many people... but God has given me these many struggles and the braveness to be open and share for a reason. I have felt this need to be open since June 2014, but continued to think I was crazy for being open tell people. Every time I spend with God, He keeps telling me to do it.
So here goes me just letting it all out there...
Maybe no one will even read this and the Lord just wants me to have another outlet for all of the pain and confusion I am going through.... but it really does not matter.
After our one year anniversary of marriage, Dusty and I decided to start trying for a baby. Still not having any luck 11 months later, I started taking some fertility pills to help my chances. In June I was sooooo excited after finally having a positive pregnancy test. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying tears of joy and just being so excited, but at the same time scared of having a miscarriage as I knew the chances. About two weeks after that I started having cramps that eventually placed me in the Emergency Room. They told me 5 hours later that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy. I had no clue what that was. When I found out that I had to abort the baby before it killed me, I was so devastated. They gave me some chemo shots and sent me home. The next day I found out I was having internal bleeding as the baby was still growing too fast in my fallopian tubes, which meant I had to have surgery to remove the baby that night.
Here I am now, about 3 months later with so much pain, fear, anger, confusion, and so many other feelings....
I share all of this because I want to break through the social "faux paus" of not talking about miscarriage and infertility issues. I am sick of it being a "hush hush" struggle that so many women have to battle every day. Not just a physical battle, but an internal self worth battle making you feel like less of a woman.
Yes, I know the Lord has a plan for my life and I might have to eventually comes to terms with the chances of me not being able to have a baby. But until that time, I am going to trust that the Lord knows the desires of my heart and be open about the journey I am on.
