Fertilization!

Dusty and I can officially share that we have 8 embryos growing :)  They actually already received their first report card from the doctor that had a smiley face on it.  At least that is what the doctor said on our phone call update this morning.

Yesterday I went under anesthesia for Egg Retrieval.  This was the 3rd time I have been under anesthesia in less than a year, so I am pretty much an expert now. Going into ER we had no clue how many mature eggs we would get out of 18 follicles, but found out after surgery that they retrieved 12 eggs!

This morning we received the call that out of 12 eggs, 9 were mature and 8 ended up being fertilized.  After the eggs were retrieved yesterday and Dusty provided his "deposit", the embryologist cleaned and injected each of the eggs with the sperm and then left them overnight in a petri dish.  This morning is when they looked to see how many fertilized.

Our next report is on Sunday morning to see how many embryos are growing and will be able to reach the "blastocyst" stage. Usually not all of them reach that stage as some start dying.  Man God is TOTALLY TESTING OUR PATIENCE!  The doctor did state there might be a tiny chance they will have to freeze my embryos and transfer at a later cycle, but I won't get into that as I am PRAYING we can have a fresh transfer on Tuesday.

While I am very excited to be done with daily blood work, ultrasounds, and injections... I have now moved on to the suppository stage, which I will spare you the gory details.  I am hoping the bloating will start going down from all of my follies growing as Dusty agreed I looked very preggo just from the bloat.

So, the next stages are *hopefully* have a transfer of an embryo on Tuesday and then waiting to see if it magically implants!  I would have to wait about a week to see if everything was successful and we can have a little baby growing.  Man that is so hard not to get excited and too hopeful.  It has been hard trying to understand if I should just have faith and be positive or keep my expectations normal and wait.  Sometimes I don't have a choice as I try to balance my emotions.

Slooooooowly But Surely

Sonogram and bloodwork round #3 done. Yippee. 

My body was and still is slow to respond to the meds and grow, but they are responding.  The last blog I had shared was after my first sonogram which showed the average follicle around 5 mm (which was on Sunday 5 days ago).  The second sonogram on Wednesday showed an average follicle of 7 mm.  This last sonogram (today/Friday) was an average of 10 mm.  I should probably be around 15 mm as my average at this point :(.... but I will get there! I have faith.

That was probably all greek to you, but what it all comes down to is that I will need to do more days of injections than the average person to get my follicles up to the size they should be, which is at least 18-20 mm.  

You might be wondering why I even bothered typing that all out, but I am blogging for my own memory too :)  Yes, there are selfish reasons for this too! 

So I go back for another ultrasound/bloodwork on Sunday morning and then will have DAILY check in's until they tell me tell me I am ready for my trigger shot!  The trigger shot will be done once my follies are ready to be boosted about 36 hours before Egg Retrieval.  

By the way, I forgot to mention if you see me in yoga pants daily from now on, it is because these meds are NOT nice with the bloat.  Even though my follies aren't big yet, I think my body is pretty pissed off.  I have bruises on my tummy and on my arms/hands from either the injections or blood work.  I even get to add ONE MORE DRUG tonight called Ganirelex.  Is it bad that I don't even know what I am putting in my body?? Actually I just looked it up and it is supposed to avoid the eggs from dropping/ovulating until they keep maturing and are ready for retrieval.

This is probably too much detailed and you probably haven't even read until this point.  

I have already had to overnight from the east coast 2 shipments of additional meds and will need more.  This is getting ridiculously expensive and if this first round does not work, I won't be able to afford another round.

Oh, and I found out that adoption will cost me around $45k.... so anytime someone thinks they are helping by bringing up the possibility of adoption, please know how much more stressful that is.  And it doesn't help.

I am still in a good mood and praising God daily.  I am so thankful that He has provided science for Dusty and I to take advantage of!

Number 13 (That number seems to come up a lot)

There are so many things that have occurred this last week that all I can say is... wow.  It has been very interesting to say the least.  God has been moving and speaking... I am trying to listen and understand it all.  I wish I could explain it all to you, but this is one of those things you have to experience for yourself to really understand.  

What is really interesting is today is the due date for my first ectopic and I only feel God's strength, no sadness. Very thankful for His love and guidance.

Anyways, back to the journey.  Last Wednesday was day 1 of my injections to stimulate my ovaries.  I had planned on giving them to myself, but after mixing and preparing them, I realized I was too nervous and needed Dusty to do it! So after icing my tummy, Dusty did a great job at completing the task.  The only thing that I hate is how one of them (Menopur) BURNS going in.  Ouch!! They make me sleepy so I fall asleep around 8:30 every night, haha. 

After several days of injections, I have bruises on my abdomen, am super thirsty, get headaches, and am soooo tired.  Dusty and I went on a hike on Saturday and I seriously thought I was going to pass out so we turned around without finishing it. Sorry, babe!  I miss working out, but at least I can go on walks.  

Yesterday we had our first check in appointment for a sonogram and blood work.  They counted 13 follicles growing, but mentioned they are a little smaller than the Center would like and need to increase the dosage.  So instead of 2 vials of one of the meds, I have to double it and do 4!  Yucky.  

My next check in appointment is on Wednesday to see if my follies (that is what I like to call them) are growing and back on schedule.  I have to call and rush more meds and hope they come in on time... so expensive and stressful.  

Here is the printout that the sonogram provided us:

Sunshine through the Rain

As I sit and look out the window seeing the rain pour outside, I feel the sunshine on my face (even though it is dark and gloomy).  

My last post was a dark one and I wanted to come back and share with you that I believe there are brighter days ahead and can even start feeling them.  I have not been the best Christian lately.  I am ashamed to say I have not been reading Scripture or even spending much time in prayer.  As I have withdrawn from people the last few weeks, I am afraid to say I haven't even let God in.  The worst place to be.

I know God is still RIGHT here next to me just waiting.  He knows that I am being stubborn trying to hold on, while I know it is really not in my hands and he is just waiting for me to admit I need Him.  

I feel His presence.  I feel His love... I see God in the birds flying outside.  I see his glory in the wind blowing the trees back and forth.  

You see, my problem with God is that I want to be God.  I want to be in control and I get angry when He isn't giving me what I want.  Frustration comes when people say to just draw closer to God... when I am hurt by the way I feel He has led my life.  Like I deserve something better.  That is pretty embarrassing to admit and I know I am wrong. 

Christians are still human and sin, which I need to give myself grace for.  The word of the day is humility.  I have to fall down on my knees (once again for the millionth time) and admit to the Lord that I need to let go and give it over...  the best part is that He is waiting with open arms and a HUGE smile on His face.  I love His Character.

I seriously have had this song on repeat today and the words speak beautifully to how I feel when I fall down on my knees to Christ.  

Plumb "Need You Now (How Many Times)"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgfkb35GJF8

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Depression

WARNING - this is a post just to use as an outlet for myself and is not meant to depress/bore others from reading!!!

This last week has been full of depression.  A battle.  
All I want to do is hide from the world and not see people living their lives naturally while I am in a holding pattern... 

I even took the day off work as I can't focus. 

There is no reason to be sad.... no reason to mourn....

But wait, the due date for my first ectopic pregnancy is right around the corner on February 16th.  In ten days I could be giving birth to a baby rather than spending tons of money and time injecting myself.  I see so many women getting ready to go into labor who had a positive pregnancy test when I did.  I thought we would all discover and ride the journey together.  Only to be left behind and hiding from their happiness.  

I am not even 100% sure that is what makes me so depressed.  I heard from fellow IVF cycle buddies (that is what you call another person that has the same time frame of their IVF plan as you) that this is completely normal.  Maybe the anxiety of knowing what you are about to endure causes this... 
My battle with infertility does have to be the HARDEST thing I have ever had to encounter in life. It has been harder then dealing with a drug addiction, overcoming a broken family, or many other personal items in my life that I will spare you all with.  

There have been many occasions this past week I have either cancelled last minute, left early, or had to go outside to secretly cry.  I can't explain why.... 

One moment I can be driving in the car and singing my heart out with the windows down and then the next be completely overtaken by tears and strong feelings of grief. No clue why! Out of nowhere.

I am afraid of losing friendships or having this damage my marriage.  Infertility and IVF tends to do that. It is surprising how some of my best friends haven't been there for me like I thought they would, while others that really don't know me too well have been great.  

I debated whether or not to type this all on my blog as it leaves me vulnerable.  But to be fair, I promised to be real on this journey.  I am not going to hold anything back even if it makes me look crazy or some other negative trait.  

Today is the last day of my birth control pills and I am so glad. TMI-------  It has made my boobs ENORMOUS and they feel like ripe grapefruits. OUCH!   

Tomorrow, is my baseline ultrasound to see how my ovaries and follicles are looking.  

One of my best friends this week has been this little girl by my side :)