Depression

WARNING - this is a post just to use as an outlet for myself and is not meant to depress/bore others from reading!!!

This last week has been full of depression.  A battle.  
All I want to do is hide from the world and not see people living their lives naturally while I am in a holding pattern... 

I even took the day off work as I can't focus. 

There is no reason to be sad.... no reason to mourn....

But wait, the due date for my first ectopic pregnancy is right around the corner on February 16th.  In ten days I could be giving birth to a baby rather than spending tons of money and time injecting myself.  I see so many women getting ready to go into labor who had a positive pregnancy test when I did.  I thought we would all discover and ride the journey together.  Only to be left behind and hiding from their happiness.  

I am not even 100% sure that is what makes me so depressed.  I heard from fellow IVF cycle buddies (that is what you call another person that has the same time frame of their IVF plan as you) that this is completely normal.  Maybe the anxiety of knowing what you are about to endure causes this... 
My battle with infertility does have to be the HARDEST thing I have ever had to encounter in life. It has been harder then dealing with a drug addiction, overcoming a broken family, or many other personal items in my life that I will spare you all with.  

There have been many occasions this past week I have either cancelled last minute, left early, or had to go outside to secretly cry.  I can't explain why.... 

One moment I can be driving in the car and singing my heart out with the windows down and then the next be completely overtaken by tears and strong feelings of grief. No clue why! Out of nowhere.

I am afraid of losing friendships or having this damage my marriage.  Infertility and IVF tends to do that. It is surprising how some of my best friends haven't been there for me like I thought they would, while others that really don't know me too well have been great.  

I debated whether or not to type this all on my blog as it leaves me vulnerable.  But to be fair, I promised to be real on this journey.  I am not going to hold anything back even if it makes me look crazy or some other negative trait.  

Today is the last day of my birth control pills and I am so glad. TMI-------  It has made my boobs ENORMOUS and they feel like ripe grapefruits. OUCH!   

Tomorrow, is my baseline ultrasound to see how my ovaries and follicles are looking.  

One of my best friends this week has been this little girl by my side :)