Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

I really don't know what to say, but I know some of you would like an update on how things are going...
All that comes to mind is the song that is on my Pandora right now, which has been such a big part of my journey.  It is by Hillsong United and is called Oceans (I posted the lyrics below), which is about the Lord taking us to a place where we know we can't stand without relying upon Him.  A good friend of mine first pointed out this song to me when she was dealing with her miscarriage.  When I first heard the song it didn't mean much, but every time I listen to it now through my journey it just brings out different feelings and beliefs.  Sometimes I beg for God to give me the thirst for the Holy Spirit to be my real guide and not my selfish ambition.  Other times I listen to this song and just search for God to help.

Numbness is really where I am at in dealing with everything emotionally as I just push it all down.  There have only been a couple of times that it becomes REAL to me that I cannot have children naturally. I know I haven't posted about the results of my surgery, which ended up with the doctor removing my left tube and confirming the other tube is closed and won't ever work. He left it there, but it is useless. So now I will have a really hard time hearing people tell me just to relax and it will happen when I least expect it.  I don't have that option.  I will never need birth control or condoms, which is funny to be upset about not taking those things (as no one enjoys them haha). It just hurts when I see or hear about those things.

There should be multiple blog posts for so many points in the last few weeks, but I just don't know how to explain what I am feeling.  A lot of it has been distraction while I have focused on my physical recovery and Christmas.

I had my two week post-op appointment with my doctor yesterday to confirm that my wounds are healing and all is well. My recovery has been much better than expected.  I have been blessed with meals, flowers, cards, and phone calls from close ones.  Dusty and I are SO appreciative of the support.

The next step of my journey now is to wait another month or so to then start my IVF process.  Then I get to grace you all with stories of me giving myself injections, being hormonal, and HOPING that the Lord will bless Dusty and I with a beautiful baby after our first round.  Who knows if it will work the first time, second or third, or not at all.  God has really brought Dusty and I to a place where we are solely having to put this in His Hands.  I am tired.  I will do my part, but it is all His responsibility now and not mine.


You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Minor Procedure.... RIGHT!

Any time anyone tells you it is just a minor procedure, RUN THE OTHER WAY! I had a test called an HysteroSalpingoGram (HSG), which is an X-ray test that examines the inside of my uterus and fallopian tubes.  It doesn't sound too bad when you describe that it is a test where the doctor shoots dye through your tubes to check that they are open.  Well let me tell you... this had to be one of the most painful and traumatic moments in my life.  A moment that lasted for more than an hour and a half leaving me red faced, teary eyed, and weak.  The doctor had trouble completing some of the setup and had to keep trying until she finally got it to work.  The ink burned my tubes and felt like horrific cramps and contractions that I thought I was in labor. I won't bore or gross you out with the details though. 

To make a long story short, the conclusion is that I will lose a part of my womanhood very soon. And not just a part, but a vital piece that is necessary to having children.  The doctor confirmed that after two ectopic pregnancies in my left tube, I will need to have the tube removed.  He also will most likely take out the right tube as it does not look great either. 

So what is a woman to do when she is told she will most likely lose both of her tubes and never be able to conceive naturally?  The knowledge that I will never be able to have a vacation full of bliss and then come home a few weeks later to magically state the words "I am pregnant".  Instead, the idea of having children will come down to a petri dish and doctor intervention.  I wish I could actually be able to state the horror and pain that comes with those thoughts.  

The questions just flow in like a river.... what did I do wrong in my life to deserve this? why can I not have a normal life like most of my friends? what if IVF does not work? what if I don't wake up again from surgery? 

I am terrified.  

I don't know how to handle this.

I can't...

HELP!

Deep breaths and one day at a time.  I don't have cancer, I am not dying.... even though it feels like my world is shattering.  

Many people will not understand why I am so crushed... and I really don't care.  I am just documenting this for me to #1- vent, #2- hopefully look back on my journey and #3- to share with anyone in case it helps.

Now all I have to do is wait for surgery to be scheduled.