Dusty and I attended our 3 hour (took longer than the 2 hours scheduled) IVF education class a week ago. I thought I was prepared for the IVF journey and difficult choices until we were looking down at papers we had to sign. Even thinking back to those consent forms makes me feel so overwhelmed that I push tears back. Who knew we would have to decide what would happen to our unborn children in the event of one or both of our deaths, or divorce, or late payments on the frozen storage. We had to decide if we wanted them to be given for research, destroyed, or donated to another family. Really??
Another difficult question was if we wanted to have the Fertility Center perform ICSI (Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection), which is basically when they inject an egg with the sperm rather than allow science to naturally take place in a petri dish. This was a hard choice. I mean we want to improve our odds of conceiving, but how much science do we push rather than leave for God to work out? Did he create this method to help us or are we taking matters into our own hands? The odds of birth defects can be higher, but they say it's because of the higher risk patients unfairly affecting those percentages.
One of the final decisions we had to make was if we wanted them to perform genetic testing on the embryos before they were frozen and transferred. When you first hear this you think "yes, I want to know if there is something wrong with the babies and can know the gender!" But then you get this panic that you shouldn't be "messing" with God's plan again. This one was a little easier for Dusty and I as like any other pregnancy, we would never abort a baby if doctors told us there was something wrong with it. But then again, if you know an embryo has a higher chance of miscarriage than another and you are spending loads of money on this procedure, wouldn't you want to pick an embryo that has a higher chance? See what I mean.... the questions bouncing back and forth can be endless.
Most of you will never understand why this journey has been so difficult and you could even feel like I am overreacting, but you haven't been in my shoes. I am TOTALLY assuming that could be a thought on people's minds.... I tend to get paranoid, lol. So just a quick insight... the questions I just listed above CAN EXHAUST ME EVERY DAY. I can't sleep at night feeling like I am going to make the wrong decision.
Then that brings me to the meds portion.... as soon as the Nurse starting teaching us about the injections, I immediately starting taking notes rapidly. I was paranoid I was going to do something wrong and accidentally put air into my system or something. I start my injections around the second week of February, so I still have no clue what I will be doing. I did receive some meds in the mail yesterday and already shared this pic on Facebook, but will share again (I noticed this pic looks very similar to the sample pic I had in my last post).
Some of my friends have asked me how they can be supportive during this time, while other times I just get plain discouraged and offended at the responses I get. I understand that there is really nothing anyone can say to take care of this, unless that God told them His divine plan and promises this IVF treatment will bring a beautiful baby into Dusty's and my life. Yes, I can be unrealistic with wanting the world to try to understand the hurt and fear... and general overwhelming anxiety that floods my daily life out of nowhere.
I will be honest, most days I struggle with feelings of hopelessness. You might say, "Michelle, you have IVF right in front of you so you should have your baby really soon!". However, with IVF my chances are still 40%. I walk around each day consumed by my situation, which then makes me feel alienated from the rest of the world.
Here is a GREAT blog that shares all about being a good friend to an Infertile... I would love you to check it out as I TOTALLY relate:
I hate leaving you all long blogs, so try to keep it short. Even though I could probably talk about a MILLION things! Last but not least, I received my tentative schedule for IVF in February. Things always are dependent based on how my body responds, but it gives me something to plan on for now...
