I really don't know what to say, but I know some of you would like an update on how things are going...
All that comes to mind is the song that is on my Pandora right now, which has been such a big part of my journey. It is by Hillsong United and is called Oceans (I posted the lyrics below), which is about the Lord taking us to a place where we know we can't stand without relying upon Him. A good friend of mine first pointed out this song to me when she was dealing with her miscarriage. When I first heard the song it didn't mean much, but every time I listen to it now through my journey it just brings out different feelings and beliefs. Sometimes I beg for God to give me the thirst for the Holy Spirit to be my real guide and not my selfish ambition. Other times I listen to this song and just search for God to help.
Numbness is really where I am at in dealing with everything emotionally as I just push it all down. There have only been a couple of times that it becomes REAL to me that I cannot have children naturally. I know I haven't posted about the results of my surgery, which ended up with the doctor removing my left tube and confirming the other tube is closed and won't ever work. He left it there, but it is useless. So now I will have a really hard time hearing people tell me just to relax and it will happen when I least expect it. I don't have that option. I will never need birth control or condoms, which is funny to be upset about not taking those things (as no one enjoys them haha). It just hurts when I see or hear about those things.
There should be multiple blog posts for so many points in the last few weeks, but I just don't know how to explain what I am feeling. A lot of it has been distraction while I have focused on my physical recovery and Christmas.
I had my two week post-op appointment with my doctor yesterday to confirm that my wounds are healing and all is well. My recovery has been much better than expected. I have been blessed with meals, flowers, cards, and phone calls from close ones. Dusty and I are SO appreciative of the support.
The next step of my journey now is to wait another month or so to then start my IVF process. Then I get to grace you all with stories of me giving myself injections, being hormonal, and HOPING that the Lord will bless Dusty and I with a beautiful baby after our first round. Who knows if it will work the first time, second or third, or not at all. God has really brought Dusty and I to a place where we are solely having to put this in His Hands. I am tired. I will do my part, but it is all His responsibility now and not mine.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Minor Procedure.... RIGHT!
Any time anyone tells you it is just a minor procedure, RUN THE OTHER WAY! I had a test called an HysteroSalpingoGram (HSG), which is an X-ray test that examines the inside of my uterus and fallopian tubes. It doesn't sound too bad when you describe that it is a test where the doctor shoots dye through your tubes to check that they are open. Well let me tell you... this had to be one of the most painful and traumatic moments in my life. A moment that lasted for more than an hour and a half leaving me red faced, teary eyed, and weak. The doctor had trouble completing some of the setup and had to keep trying until she finally got it to work. The ink burned my tubes and felt like horrific cramps and contractions that I thought I was in labor. I won't bore or gross you out with the details though.
To make a long story short, the conclusion is that I will lose a part of my womanhood very soon. And not just a part, but a vital piece that is necessary to having children. The doctor confirmed that after two ectopic pregnancies in my left tube, I will need to have the tube removed. He also will most likely take out the right tube as it does not look great either.
So what is a woman to do when she is told she will most likely lose both of her tubes and never be able to conceive naturally? The knowledge that I will never be able to have a vacation full of bliss and then come home a few weeks later to magically state the words "I am pregnant". Instead, the idea of having children will come down to a petri dish and doctor intervention. I wish I could actually be able to state the horror and pain that comes with those thoughts.
The questions just flow in like a river.... what did I do wrong in my life to deserve this? why can I not have a normal life like most of my friends? what if IVF does not work? what if I don't wake up again from surgery?
I am terrified.
I don't know how to handle this.
I can't...
HELP!
Deep breaths and one day at a time. I don't have cancer, I am not dying.... even though it feels like my world is shattering.
Many people will not understand why I am so crushed... and I really don't care. I am just documenting this for me to #1- vent, #2- hopefully look back on my journey and #3- to share with anyone in case it helps.
Now all I have to do is wait for surgery to be scheduled.
To make a long story short, the conclusion is that I will lose a part of my womanhood very soon. And not just a part, but a vital piece that is necessary to having children. The doctor confirmed that after two ectopic pregnancies in my left tube, I will need to have the tube removed. He also will most likely take out the right tube as it does not look great either.
So what is a woman to do when she is told she will most likely lose both of her tubes and never be able to conceive naturally? The knowledge that I will never be able to have a vacation full of bliss and then come home a few weeks later to magically state the words "I am pregnant". Instead, the idea of having children will come down to a petri dish and doctor intervention. I wish I could actually be able to state the horror and pain that comes with those thoughts.
The questions just flow in like a river.... what did I do wrong in my life to deserve this? why can I not have a normal life like most of my friends? what if IVF does not work? what if I don't wake up again from surgery?
I am terrified.
I don't know how to handle this.
I can't...
HELP!
Deep breaths and one day at a time. I don't have cancer, I am not dying.... even though it feels like my world is shattering.
Many people will not understand why I am so crushed... and I really don't care. I am just documenting this for me to #1- vent, #2- hopefully look back on my journey and #3- to share with anyone in case it helps.
Now all I have to do is wait for surgery to be scheduled.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
The Waiting Game
Tick tock, tick tock... waiting and waiting.... still waiting. I know life is short and I don't want to miss out on life, but I can't help being SO eager for February to be here when I can hopefully start my IVF journey.
Do you have any kids? Oh no, well must be nice to focus on yourself and have all that free time.
How many kids do you have? Do you not want them? They sure are a blessing.
Do you also have children? Oh, well you still have plenty of time.
Are you and Dusty going to start trying any time soon? Soak up all this time now.
Those are only a tiny bit of the questions that I get approached with almost on a weekly basis. No one knows how hard it is to be in those shoes until you have been there. Or they have no idea how much of a failure you feel like for it not just happening oh so easy for you. Like so many people who are fortunate enough to say "let's have a baby" and a month later jumping for joy that they are pregnant.
I really don't like being baby obsessed or making my family friends feel like that is all I focus on. But I just don't know how to not focus on it when it is occurring ALL around me. I open facebook, BAM. I talk to vendors at lunch, BAM. I watch tv, BAM. I sit on bart, pregnant people everywhere.
How do I do this? How am I not supposed to be so angry at God for blessing others while I feel cursed?
Please don't judge me as I try to work through all of this. I am in a process and hope to find a way to enjoy the journey rather than focusing on my destination. I feel like this is a constant lesson in life regardless of the topic.
Do you have any kids? Oh no, well must be nice to focus on yourself and have all that free time.
How many kids do you have? Do you not want them? They sure are a blessing.
Do you also have children? Oh, well you still have plenty of time.
Are you and Dusty going to start trying any time soon? Soak up all this time now.
Those are only a tiny bit of the questions that I get approached with almost on a weekly basis. No one knows how hard it is to be in those shoes until you have been there. Or they have no idea how much of a failure you feel like for it not just happening oh so easy for you. Like so many people who are fortunate enough to say "let's have a baby" and a month later jumping for joy that they are pregnant.
I really don't like being baby obsessed or making my family friends feel like that is all I focus on. But I just don't know how to not focus on it when it is occurring ALL around me. I open facebook, BAM. I talk to vendors at lunch, BAM. I watch tv, BAM. I sit on bart, pregnant people everywhere.
How do I do this? How am I not supposed to be so angry at God for blessing others while I feel cursed?
Please don't judge me as I try to work through all of this. I am in a process and hope to find a way to enjoy the journey rather than focusing on my destination. I feel like this is a constant lesson in life regardless of the topic.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Recovery... A 2nd Time
I finally have the strength to get back on here and share my thoughts and feelings and am oh so glad that I made it out alive after the past few days I have gone through.
Here is a quick catch up:
After my initial 13 HCG, a few days later they went up to 21. This was a heartache as I knew it was ectopic... I already knew it all in my heart. The doctor wanted to me to still wait and monitor any progress. A few days later the level only went up to 22, so we thought this was a good sign and that my ectopic would naturally miscarry. I knew the morning I was scheduled to get more blood work that things were not looking good as I started having pains again. That afternoon the doctor confirmed the levels had gone to 57.
Man, I was hiding in one of my work conference rooms trying to stifle the hard cries deep within me. I was so scared and upset and did not know what to do. This couldn't be happening to me again.... I mean I was supposed to be leaving first thing in the morning on a business trip to Florida for the week. I had no other choice than to cancel my trip and go to the doctor the next morning.
At my visit the doctor performed an ultrasound and was able to locate the embryo between my ovary and fallopian tube. I could see the blood flow with my heart beat to the embryo, which just broke my heart. Here was my growing baby taking my nutrients and trying to grow.... and I had no other choice than to kill it. What the hell?? Excuse my language, but I am not really sorry for expressing myself. The doctor advised me to take Methotrexate injections, which is a drug for cancer patients, which is meant to terminate the pregnancy. What kills me is that some people call it spontaneous abortion. That just disgusts me and I wish I could smack anyone in the face who can possibly use my ectopic pregnancy and abortion in the same sentence.
So I go home that day and take it easy and feel fine.... phew. Well not fine emotionally, but okay physically. So the next day I start it normally only to be hit from all directions that afternoon like I was run over. I had the worst body aches, chills, shakes, fever, headaches, nausea... and I couldn't take anything for it. I was like that for over a day and seriously thought I was going to die.
But I made it out. I go back tomorrow morning to see if my HCG levels are falling and hopefully they are or else I will have to go back in for more Methotrexate treatment.
So that takes care of some of the physical recovery, but how on earth do I find the energy to recover on an emotional and spiritual recovery.... a SECOND time. I can't do this. Why does God think I can handle this. He must be crazy because I won't. I will just take it one day at a time. I have no other option as I can't try to conceive until 3 months from now, which just kills me. All I want to do is plan for my IVF in February, but now I know better than to try to plan anything as God has His own plan whether I like it or not. Yes, you may sense anger and frustration with God that Him and I are working on, but I still admit that He is Lord of all and I need to surrender.... I just need to find out how at this point.
Here is a quick catch up:
After my initial 13 HCG, a few days later they went up to 21. This was a heartache as I knew it was ectopic... I already knew it all in my heart. The doctor wanted to me to still wait and monitor any progress. A few days later the level only went up to 22, so we thought this was a good sign and that my ectopic would naturally miscarry. I knew the morning I was scheduled to get more blood work that things were not looking good as I started having pains again. That afternoon the doctor confirmed the levels had gone to 57.
Man, I was hiding in one of my work conference rooms trying to stifle the hard cries deep within me. I was so scared and upset and did not know what to do. This couldn't be happening to me again.... I mean I was supposed to be leaving first thing in the morning on a business trip to Florida for the week. I had no other choice than to cancel my trip and go to the doctor the next morning.
At my visit the doctor performed an ultrasound and was able to locate the embryo between my ovary and fallopian tube. I could see the blood flow with my heart beat to the embryo, which just broke my heart. Here was my growing baby taking my nutrients and trying to grow.... and I had no other choice than to kill it. What the hell?? Excuse my language, but I am not really sorry for expressing myself. The doctor advised me to take Methotrexate injections, which is a drug for cancer patients, which is meant to terminate the pregnancy. What kills me is that some people call it spontaneous abortion. That just disgusts me and I wish I could smack anyone in the face who can possibly use my ectopic pregnancy and abortion in the same sentence.
So I go home that day and take it easy and feel fine.... phew. Well not fine emotionally, but okay physically. So the next day I start it normally only to be hit from all directions that afternoon like I was run over. I had the worst body aches, chills, shakes, fever, headaches, nausea... and I couldn't take anything for it. I was like that for over a day and seriously thought I was going to die.
But I made it out. I go back tomorrow morning to see if my HCG levels are falling and hopefully they are or else I will have to go back in for more Methotrexate treatment.
So that takes care of some of the physical recovery, but how on earth do I find the energy to recover on an emotional and spiritual recovery.... a SECOND time. I can't do this. Why does God think I can handle this. He must be crazy because I won't. I will just take it one day at a time. I have no other option as I can't try to conceive until 3 months from now, which just kills me. All I want to do is plan for my IVF in February, but now I know better than to try to plan anything as God has His own plan whether I like it or not. Yes, you may sense anger and frustration with God that Him and I are working on, but I still admit that He is Lord of all and I need to surrender.... I just need to find out how at this point.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
13
This week I have been preparing for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test that is supposed to take place on Friday afternoon. The purpose of the test is to take x-rays while shooting dye through my fallopian tube to see if there are any blockages or if it is all clear. On Monday (yesterday), I had to go get bloodwork done to find out the latest numbers of my hormones and see if there is any new information to gain from it. I asked the nurse that morning to include an HCG (pregnancy) test as I just wanted to rule out last cycle as an option for getting pregnant. Yes, on Saturday morning I started my period and knew that the chances were only there for another ectopic.... but my instinct was to test.
Sure enough, this afternoon (Tuesday) I got a voicemail from my fertility doctor stating that I had a low positive pregnancy test- 13 hcg. In order to be pregnant you need a 5 hcg level, but it really should have been around 40 or 50 to be viable. He took it as I could be miscarrying at first, but I know he is fearful for what I already believe to be true.... another ectopic pregnancy.
You see, I have had the exact same situations occur this time as I did with my last ectopic. I had horrible cramping (worse than normal period pains) as well as a really bad migraine on day 2. I also started getting side aches and nausea in the morning, but blamed my prenatal vitamins for the symptoms.
Anger..... frustration.... feeling too weak to go through this AGAIN. Ugh. I just can't. I possibly can't physically, emotionally, or spiritually go through this again. LORD, HELP ME!
I have two prayers/options:
1- (this is my preference, in case I get a choice) that the Lord causes a miracle and moves the baby to my uterus and allows me to finally have a child.... I know He can. I pray and beg for Him to bless our family. Lord, hear my cry.
2- please let it be a miscarriage and not an ectopic. Maybe we could be wrong and it could be a blighted ovum or something.
My plea is to not have to go through treatment again for an ectopic and further delay my trying to conceive. I really want to move forward with IVF.... and if this happens, then I will have to delay it for 3-4 months or even more.
I don't even know why I am typing this. Could be an outlet, could be just to document my journey, or it could be my plea for prayer and support. This is so hard and I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.
Sure enough, this afternoon (Tuesday) I got a voicemail from my fertility doctor stating that I had a low positive pregnancy test- 13 hcg. In order to be pregnant you need a 5 hcg level, but it really should have been around 40 or 50 to be viable. He took it as I could be miscarrying at first, but I know he is fearful for what I already believe to be true.... another ectopic pregnancy.
You see, I have had the exact same situations occur this time as I did with my last ectopic. I had horrible cramping (worse than normal period pains) as well as a really bad migraine on day 2. I also started getting side aches and nausea in the morning, but blamed my prenatal vitamins for the symptoms.
Anger..... frustration.... feeling too weak to go through this AGAIN. Ugh. I just can't. I possibly can't physically, emotionally, or spiritually go through this again. LORD, HELP ME!
I have two prayers/options:
1- (this is my preference, in case I get a choice) that the Lord causes a miracle and moves the baby to my uterus and allows me to finally have a child.... I know He can. I pray and beg for Him to bless our family. Lord, hear my cry.
2- please let it be a miscarriage and not an ectopic. Maybe we could be wrong and it could be a blighted ovum or something.
My plea is to not have to go through treatment again for an ectopic and further delay my trying to conceive. I really want to move forward with IVF.... and if this happens, then I will have to delay it for 3-4 months or even more.
I don't even know why I am typing this. Could be an outlet, could be just to document my journey, or it could be my plea for prayer and support. This is so hard and I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I am not alone... Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day
My family and friends think I am crazy with all of the different apps and blogs I follow related to fertility and trying to conceive. A different emotion/feeling comes up everyday when I check one of my favorite apps, "period tracker". Dusty loves to joke with me and call it "periodpanties.com". I have no clue why, but just typing this makes me smile. I love how he accepts my craziness :)
Some days I see success stories and I am jealous, some days I see new members going through grief and my heart aches for them. Today..... I see so many strong women coming together to recognize their loss and share their story. It is a day not only to continue healing (note that I said continue as I don't think the pain will ever go away), but also join together and DO something about our loss. Many women are releasing balloons or lighting candles at 7 pm today. Dusty is out of town today so I am not quite sure what my plan is.
As I read other's stories online, I can't help but relate to so much that I read. Just to copy some of the words:
"I didn't have a miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died"
"I think the main difference for me boils down to the extent of the physical trauma. Not only do ectopic pregnancy sufferers have to deal with the loss of a tube, sometimes a part or all of their uterus, an overy, their blood and ultimately their life. The damage can severely effect their future fertility (this decreases at least 30%... minimum) and that is if they intend to ever risk putting their bodies through this again because they will now have a 20% chance of it happening again."
Today like any other day, I try to think of what I have gained from this, other than the weight and scars. I have gained awareness for something many people are not aware of or at least do not speak about.
Monday, October 6, 2014
The First Day of the Rest of My Life... Kinda
Today was the day that I had my intro appointment with the Reproductive Science Center. When my OBGYN first referred me to the clinic I was devastated as the name sounded really scary and I thought I was a freak for having to go to a "science center". But then as I talked to some friends who had been there I became more open to going. Then as my appointment approached I was really excited to hopefully get some answers.
So this morning I woke up and thought... I am going to find out what is wrong with me and have a plan to finally have my own child. I was so excited.
When Dusty and I first sat down with the doctor to discuss my history and my recent labwork the situation soon turned nerve-wrecking to me. He mentioned that some signs point to a low ovarian reserve as well as pre-menopausal. I had tears just waiting to come out and didn't want to let them flow in case the doctor became nervous about telling me anymore bad news. After completing an ultrasound to check out my ovaries the doctor mentioned the situation looks better than the bloodwork showed, which was good.
So now I wait... I wait until I can go and take an HSG test to determine if there are any blockages or anything wrong with my fallopian tubes.
The conclusion I came to is that I have to still do everything one step at a time and have to be patient. Oh how badly I hate that word- patience. How am I supposed to be patient if my eggs are limited and time is not on my side? How is this even coming up in my life at 29 years old???
I go back and forth with having faith that my family will come... today started as I day that I thought I saw writing on the wall that it will not happen.... but then now I feel like I can be aggressive with IVF or maybe the bloodwork was wrong.
This month is October, which is not only the national month for recognizing breast cancer, but is also for recognizing pregnancy loss. This is the first time I have had to struggle with this and am not sure how to celebrate it. I think I want to release a balloon in the air or something.. Or maybe get the smallest tattoo where no one would see. Oh wait... I already have scars from my surgery so I don't think I need to leave any other marks. :)
My biggest fear of all is looking now like the crazy lady obsessed with trying to get pregnant, mourning the loss of my child, and being jealous of all my pregnant friends. Maybe I am all three of those things, but I find it hard to believe that others in my boat would not feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with me and I have to accept that the Lord made me in His image... perfect and according to His Will.
As for the rest of my life... all I have to stand firm on is Christ's love and walking in His path one step at a time.
So this morning I woke up and thought... I am going to find out what is wrong with me and have a plan to finally have my own child. I was so excited.
When Dusty and I first sat down with the doctor to discuss my history and my recent labwork the situation soon turned nerve-wrecking to me. He mentioned that some signs point to a low ovarian reserve as well as pre-menopausal. I had tears just waiting to come out and didn't want to let them flow in case the doctor became nervous about telling me anymore bad news. After completing an ultrasound to check out my ovaries the doctor mentioned the situation looks better than the bloodwork showed, which was good.
So now I wait... I wait until I can go and take an HSG test to determine if there are any blockages or anything wrong with my fallopian tubes.
The conclusion I came to is that I have to still do everything one step at a time and have to be patient. Oh how badly I hate that word- patience. How am I supposed to be patient if my eggs are limited and time is not on my side? How is this even coming up in my life at 29 years old???
I go back and forth with having faith that my family will come... today started as I day that I thought I saw writing on the wall that it will not happen.... but then now I feel like I can be aggressive with IVF or maybe the bloodwork was wrong.
This month is October, which is not only the national month for recognizing breast cancer, but is also for recognizing pregnancy loss. This is the first time I have had to struggle with this and am not sure how to celebrate it. I think I want to release a balloon in the air or something.. Or maybe get the smallest tattoo where no one would see. Oh wait... I already have scars from my surgery so I don't think I need to leave any other marks. :)
My biggest fear of all is looking now like the crazy lady obsessed with trying to get pregnant, mourning the loss of my child, and being jealous of all my pregnant friends. Maybe I am all three of those things, but I find it hard to believe that others in my boat would not feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with me and I have to accept that the Lord made me in His image... perfect and according to His Will.
As for the rest of my life... all I have to stand firm on is Christ's love and walking in His path one step at a time.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
What Our Rainbow Journey Means
Rainbows... they always come at the end of a storm, even if the cloud only let's out a sprinkle at times. Sometimes during the rain, but usually at the end of it, we often believe that there was a purpose for the storm and we will come out better because of it. This is a huge theme throughout my entire life. I have had storm after storm where I just think God must be really preparing me for something great in my life....
But I have found that I don't always get answers to everything. I always thought hindsight was 20/20, but sometimes God will not fill us in on what is going on. After all, who am I to question the Creator of the universe.... the God who breathes air into my lungs and has given me all that I need.
I guess with all of that said, I believe that God is calling me to start this blog. Some of you might not agree with my willingness to be open or believe that I should really not share such details with so many people... but God has given me these many struggles and the braveness to be open and share for a reason. I have felt this need to be open since June 2014, but continued to think I was crazy for being open tell people. Every time I spend with God, He keeps telling me to do it.
So here goes me just letting it all out there...
Maybe no one will even read this and the Lord just wants me to have another outlet for all of the pain and confusion I am going through.... but it really does not matter.
After our one year anniversary of marriage, Dusty and I decided to start trying for a baby. Still not having any luck 11 months later, I started taking some fertility pills to help my chances. In June I was sooooo excited after finally having a positive pregnancy test. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying tears of joy and just being so excited, but at the same time scared of having a miscarriage as I knew the chances. About two weeks after that I started having cramps that eventually placed me in the Emergency Room. They told me 5 hours later that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy. I had no clue what that was. When I found out that I had to abort the baby before it killed me, I was so devastated. They gave me some chemo shots and sent me home. The next day I found out I was having internal bleeding as the baby was still growing too fast in my fallopian tubes, which meant I had to have surgery to remove the baby that night.
Here I am now, about 3 months later with so much pain, fear, anger, confusion, and so many other feelings....
I share all of this because I want to break through the social "faux paus" of not talking about miscarriage and infertility issues. I am sick of it being a "hush hush" struggle that so many women have to battle every day. Not just a physical battle, but an internal self worth battle making you feel like less of a woman.
Yes, I know the Lord has a plan for my life and I might have to eventually comes to terms with the chances of me not being able to have a baby. But until that time, I am going to trust that the Lord knows the desires of my heart and be open about the journey I am on.
But I have found that I don't always get answers to everything. I always thought hindsight was 20/20, but sometimes God will not fill us in on what is going on. After all, who am I to question the Creator of the universe.... the God who breathes air into my lungs and has given me all that I need.
I guess with all of that said, I believe that God is calling me to start this blog. Some of you might not agree with my willingness to be open or believe that I should really not share such details with so many people... but God has given me these many struggles and the braveness to be open and share for a reason. I have felt this need to be open since June 2014, but continued to think I was crazy for being open tell people. Every time I spend with God, He keeps telling me to do it.
So here goes me just letting it all out there...
Maybe no one will even read this and the Lord just wants me to have another outlet for all of the pain and confusion I am going through.... but it really does not matter.
After our one year anniversary of marriage, Dusty and I decided to start trying for a baby. Still not having any luck 11 months later, I started taking some fertility pills to help my chances. In June I was sooooo excited after finally having a positive pregnancy test. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying tears of joy and just being so excited, but at the same time scared of having a miscarriage as I knew the chances. About two weeks after that I started having cramps that eventually placed me in the Emergency Room. They told me 5 hours later that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy. I had no clue what that was. When I found out that I had to abort the baby before it killed me, I was so devastated. They gave me some chemo shots and sent me home. The next day I found out I was having internal bleeding as the baby was still growing too fast in my fallopian tubes, which meant I had to have surgery to remove the baby that night.
Here I am now, about 3 months later with so much pain, fear, anger, confusion, and so many other feelings....
I share all of this because I want to break through the social "faux paus" of not talking about miscarriage and infertility issues. I am sick of it being a "hush hush" struggle that so many women have to battle every day. Not just a physical battle, but an internal self worth battle making you feel like less of a woman.
Yes, I know the Lord has a plan for my life and I might have to eventually comes to terms with the chances of me not being able to have a baby. But until that time, I am going to trust that the Lord knows the desires of my heart and be open about the journey I am on.
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