I finally have the strength to get back on here and share my thoughts and feelings and am oh so glad that I made it out alive after the past few days I have gone through.
Here is a quick catch up:
After my initial 13 HCG, a few days later they went up to 21. This was a heartache as I knew it was ectopic... I already knew it all in my heart. The doctor wanted to me to still wait and monitor any progress. A few days later the level only went up to 22, so we thought this was a good sign and that my ectopic would naturally miscarry. I knew the morning I was scheduled to get more blood work that things were not looking good as I started having pains again. That afternoon the doctor confirmed the levels had gone to 57.
Man, I was hiding in one of my work conference rooms trying to stifle the hard cries deep within me. I was so scared and upset and did not know what to do. This couldn't be happening to me again.... I mean I was supposed to be leaving first thing in the morning on a business trip to Florida for the week. I had no other choice than to cancel my trip and go to the doctor the next morning.
At my visit the doctor performed an ultrasound and was able to locate the embryo between my ovary and fallopian tube. I could see the blood flow with my heart beat to the embryo, which just broke my heart. Here was my growing baby taking my nutrients and trying to grow.... and I had no other choice than to kill it. What the hell?? Excuse my language, but I am not really sorry for expressing myself. The doctor advised me to take Methotrexate injections, which is a drug for cancer patients, which is meant to terminate the pregnancy. What kills me is that some people call it spontaneous abortion. That just disgusts me and I wish I could smack anyone in the face who can possibly use my ectopic pregnancy and abortion in the same sentence.
So I go home that day and take it easy and feel fine.... phew. Well not fine emotionally, but okay physically. So the next day I start it normally only to be hit from all directions that afternoon like I was run over. I had the worst body aches, chills, shakes, fever, headaches, nausea... and I couldn't take anything for it. I was like that for over a day and seriously thought I was going to die.
But I made it out. I go back tomorrow morning to see if my HCG levels are falling and hopefully they are or else I will have to go back in for more Methotrexate treatment.
So that takes care of some of the physical recovery, but how on earth do I find the energy to recover on an emotional and spiritual recovery.... a SECOND time. I can't do this. Why does God think I can handle this. He must be crazy because I won't. I will just take it one day at a time. I have no other option as I can't try to conceive until 3 months from now, which just kills me. All I want to do is plan for my IVF in February, but now I know better than to try to plan anything as God has His own plan whether I like it or not. Yes, you may sense anger and frustration with God that Him and I are working on, but I still admit that He is Lord of all and I need to surrender.... I just need to find out how at this point.
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