Unexpected

Many of you heard the difficult news Dusty and I received last week.  I thought I would provide a blog update to provide details and to document our journey.

Last Tuesday was supposed to be the day they transferred 1 or 2 embryos into my uterus.  It was supposed to be a day of celebration and excitement.  We were going to only have to wait 9 days to know if we were pregnant or not.  SO CLOSE.  I could almost taste it in my mouth.

Well here is how the day actually went---
Around 7 am that morning, Dusty and I were spending time in prayer and actually thanking the Lord for the opportunity to grow personally and in our marriage through everything.  We had peace knowing that the Lord was working and trusted Him.  Looking back I still wrestle with frustration on why God didn't intervene then or give us a warning... but I know He is Good and must have some good reasons.

I even had a call with my doctor the night before who was very optimistic that we would have two healthy blastocysts (5 day old embryos) that would be ready for transfer at noon.  I had my valium prescription and full bladder all ready to go and was super excited.  

Then at 8 am we received a shocking phone call with news that our 6 embryos (2 had died since Friday) stopped growing last Sunday and there were none left to transfer.  The Science Center was shocked and had no clue what happened.

I seriously wanted to drop the phone and not believe it.  The feeling of complete helplessness was overwhelming.  Immediately I wanted to find out "what I could do to fix it" or there HAS to be something that could make it all okay. Then the meltdown came.  Couldn't catch my breath, sobbing, rocking back and forth.  Then the strength and frustration came.... I put on my running shoes and ran as hard and long as I could while feeling my lungs burn.  I have not been allowed to work out at all for the past month, so for me to run 5 miles out the door just about killed me.  I needed to run so hard that I couldn't even scream at God or have the energy to cry.

Then when I got home from my run, Dusty had to talk me off the ledge of spending $2,000 on a ONE day trip to the Ritz Carlton in Maui.  I was desperate to escape and hide from the pain.  We compromised and decided we would leave the following morning for some wine tasting in Temecula.  As we had to be in San Diego on Friday for a wedding.

Later that afternoon the doctor informed us that he wanted to have genetic testing done on Dusty and me to determine if there was a chromosomal issue.  If this is the case, we could never have biological children.  I am really hoping it was a "luck of the numbers" thing, but there is a real possibility we would have to go on to embryo adoption. I will save that whole conversation for another day.

For now, God has protected our hearts and provided us a way to escape the grief.  I am afraid it is lurking behind the corner, but for now... one day at a time.  We had a great time in Temecula and San Diego and I am so thankful to have such an amazing man by my side.