13

This week I have been preparing for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test that is supposed to take place on Friday afternoon.  The purpose of the test is to take x-rays while shooting dye through my fallopian tube to see if there are any blockages or if it is all clear. On Monday (yesterday), I had to go get bloodwork done to find out the latest numbers of my hormones and see if there is any new information to gain from it.  I asked the nurse that morning to include an HCG (pregnancy) test as I just wanted to rule out last cycle as an option for getting pregnant.  Yes, on Saturday morning I started my period and knew that the chances were only there for another ectopic.... but my instinct was to test.  

Sure enough, this afternoon (Tuesday) I got a voicemail from my fertility doctor stating that I had a low positive pregnancy test- 13 hcg.  In order to be pregnant you need a 5 hcg level, but it really should have been around 40 or 50 to be viable.  He took it as I could be miscarrying at first, but I know he is fearful for what I already believe to be true.... another ectopic pregnancy.  

You see, I have had the exact same situations occur this time as I did with my last ectopic.  I had horrible cramping (worse than normal period pains) as well as a really bad migraine on day 2.  I also started getting side aches and nausea in the morning, but blamed my prenatal vitamins for the symptoms.  

Anger..... frustration.... feeling too weak to go through this AGAIN.  Ugh.  I just can't.  I possibly can't physically, emotionally, or spiritually go through this again.  LORD, HELP ME! 

I have two prayers/options:
1- (this is my preference, in case I get a choice) that the Lord causes a miracle and moves the baby to my uterus and allows me to finally have a child.... I know He can.  I pray and beg for Him to bless our family.  Lord, hear my cry.

2- please let it be a miscarriage and not an ectopic.  Maybe we could be wrong and it could be a blighted ovum or something.

My plea is to not have to go through treatment again for an ectopic and further delay my trying to conceive.  I really want to move forward with IVF.... and if this happens, then I will have to delay it for 3-4 months or even more.  

I don't even know why I am typing this.  Could be an outlet, could be just to document my journey, or it could be my plea for prayer and support.  This is so hard and I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.