Minor Procedure.... RIGHT!

Any time anyone tells you it is just a minor procedure, RUN THE OTHER WAY! I had a test called an HysteroSalpingoGram (HSG), which is an X-ray test that examines the inside of my uterus and fallopian tubes.  It doesn't sound too bad when you describe that it is a test where the doctor shoots dye through your tubes to check that they are open.  Well let me tell you... this had to be one of the most painful and traumatic moments in my life.  A moment that lasted for more than an hour and a half leaving me red faced, teary eyed, and weak.  The doctor had trouble completing some of the setup and had to keep trying until she finally got it to work.  The ink burned my tubes and felt like horrific cramps and contractions that I thought I was in labor. I won't bore or gross you out with the details though. 

To make a long story short, the conclusion is that I will lose a part of my womanhood very soon. And not just a part, but a vital piece that is necessary to having children.  The doctor confirmed that after two ectopic pregnancies in my left tube, I will need to have the tube removed.  He also will most likely take out the right tube as it does not look great either. 

So what is a woman to do when she is told she will most likely lose both of her tubes and never be able to conceive naturally?  The knowledge that I will never be able to have a vacation full of bliss and then come home a few weeks later to magically state the words "I am pregnant".  Instead, the idea of having children will come down to a petri dish and doctor intervention.  I wish I could actually be able to state the horror and pain that comes with those thoughts.  

The questions just flow in like a river.... what did I do wrong in my life to deserve this? why can I not have a normal life like most of my friends? what if IVF does not work? what if I don't wake up again from surgery? 

I am terrified.  

I don't know how to handle this.

I can't...

HELP!

Deep breaths and one day at a time.  I don't have cancer, I am not dying.... even though it feels like my world is shattering.  

Many people will not understand why I am so crushed... and I really don't care.  I am just documenting this for me to #1- vent, #2- hopefully look back on my journey and #3- to share with anyone in case it helps.

Now all I have to do is wait for surgery to be scheduled.